Dear Dáithí: I love my niece, but it hurts to be left out of her wedding

"I really think you need to be the bigger person here. It’s coming across like she owes you something, if you don’t mind me saying. She owes you nothing."

I HAVE always had a very close relationship with my brother’s daughter. She is the only girl of all the cousins and having had four boys myself, when she came along, I really bonded with her.

As she grew up, I always made sure to give my niece exciting days out for her birthday and special back-to-school days every September, right up until she went to college. When she went travelling, I gave her a significant sum of money, and even arranged for her to stay with an old friend of mine in Australia for a couple of weeks to get her settled over there.

She announced her engagement recently, and of course, I was thrilled. But a big blow came over the weekend. My brother has told us that she wants an intimate wedding, and they are keeping it small with just immediate family.

We are a big extended family, so I understand how numbers could get crazy. But I can’t help feeling so hurt that she is not including me, I feel like all that investment I put into her growing up means nothing to her — when it meant so so much to me. To be honest, it’s a kick in the stomach, and I’m very low and depressed about it.

Should I say it to her?

It really sounds like you have or had a beautiful relationship with your niece, and when all is said and done here, that should stay the same. I think you were excited at the time to see another girl come into the family, even though your family had been blessed with all boys up until then.

I do really like that dynamic between aunt and niece or uncle and nephew, there is something very homely about it. You gave her a few bob down through the years and a wad when she was heading over sea, but more importantly, you spent a lot of time with her on days out and so on. From your letter, I think you got as much out of your time together as she did, and that is brilliant.

Great news now that she has gotten engaged, and that she has found someone to spend the rest of her life with and you are naturally thrilled for her. I think you are so upset by not being invited to the wedding that you haven’t even told me whether you like the fiancé or not, but I’ll take it that things are OK in that department.

Now, the “bad” news came from your brother and not your niece. I wonder if she might have found it hard to tell you that they were only having a very small wedding and knew you might get upset?

I think she is right to have a small wedding. Why spend all that money on one day when they could put it towards a house? When there is a very big extended family, if you invite one you have to invite the whole lot.

I know that you were very good to her, but the rest of the family might not, and probably they all would be pissed off if you were invited and nobody else.

I really think you need to be the bigger person here. It’s coming across like she owes you something, if you don’t mind me saying. She owes you nothing. 

Yes, you have been very good to her, and if she did only bring you, would it be because you gave her money? That might even make you feel worse, like you bought your way into her life or something like that.

I think you should be delighted for her and tell her so, and also tell her a small wedding is a great idea and make her feel good about that. She doesn’t need other pressures now, like thinking that you’re upset with her, and being kind, as you always have been, will make her and you feel better.

The fact that she is a happy-go-lucky young woman is part down to you, don’t forget, and you should be proud of that. I’ve often said that gigs I didn’t get money for or the unpaid favour I did for people were far more rewarding than any money gig, there is something that goes off inside you that money can’t buy, and I think this is the way you should look at this whole thing.

This is something that you shouldn’t be getting depressed about, and if you are, there might be something else at play here, and you should speak to a professional. Yes, it’s OK to feel bad, but depression is a different thing altogether. But you shouldn’t feel down about it either.

I bet you that your niece will do something special to mark your relationship, it might be a card to say thanks or something like that, and that will happen closer to the time.

Please don’t feel for one second that all the money and time that you have spent has been a waste. Again, you really can’t look at it like that, you were never looking for an auntie of the year award from the start and what you have gotten from it up until now has been far more than money could buy.

Just remember all the happy times you have had and remember, too, that there are more to come.

You ask should you say it to her, and my answer is a definite NO! At this moment in time, all this is on your side. You feel like “all the investment” you put into her means nothing to her; you don’t know that. The word “investment” is a bit weird, too; she’s not a car. I think you should take a step back and when you know what’s really happening here, go and speak to her in the way I’ve suggested.

She has done nothing wrong here, and you really don’t know either what’s going on in her new life, but to protect your relationship going forward, tread lightly, all is not as bad as it seems, and be happy for her and tell her that — she’ll be delighted.