Dear Dáithí: Should we charge our daughters rent? 

"It’s called ‘Ó’Sé theory of get off your arse’ and it goes like this, study + part-time job + housework = happy parents."

"I do believe parents should do as much as they can when their children are doing their degrees, but when they move into master’s territory, that should change."

I would really appreciate your perspective on a dilemma in our home. I have twin daughters, both in their early 20s, living with us while they complete their master’s degrees.

One has a steady part-time job, the other picks up irregular freelance work. My husband believes we should let them focus on their studies without any financial pressure, but I feel they should be contributing something towards the household.

It’s not that we need the money; we are financially secure. My worry is more about the principle. I don’t want them to grow up with the impression that life comes without responsibility. At the moment, they don’t contribute financially, and to be honest, they don’t do much around the house either. I’ve always had a housekeeper, as I worked long hours when they were younger, so perhaps they’ve grown used to things being done for them.

Part of me feels it would be fair to ask them to pay a modest rent or at least take on more responsibility at home. Another part of me wonders if I’d just be causing unnecessary friction. Do you think it’s fair — or even wise — to start charging them rent?

I think you and I are very similar, in the best possible way, of course. 

I, like you, didn’t have anything headed to me and believe in hard work and, most importantly, setting our children on the same path with a good work ethic.

One of the best things we can pass down to our children is our values and principles; they are what we are made of, and when a child sees his or her parents working hard, they too will do the same — often finding a smarter way of doing things, which is great.

Your daughters are not babies anymore; they both have degrees and are now doing their master’s. 

I do believe parents should do as much as they can when their children are doing their degrees, but when they move into master’s territory, that should change. 

It’s that middle ground where they should be studying and working at the same time.

Now, that is not some proven theory, this is just what I think.

I know that you are in a good place when it comes to money, but I know some parents who, when they hear of a master’s, the blood drains from their face. You can hear their inner voices screaming, “Will you ever get a effing job?”

Your situation is different, but even outside the money part, it does get them ready for the world ahead when they have a job. And you are totally right, by the way; you don’t want them growing up with the impression that life comes easy and without responsibilities, probably the best lesson they will ever learn.

I can see where your husband is coming from, too. He wants to make it as easy as possible for the girls and that is fair enough. 

Well done to your daughter, by the way, I know lots of young people in their position who would be too delighted to keep taking mom and dad’s money and not working any part-time job, so this shows me that they are on the right path already, which is great.

But your real dilemma here is whether to charge them rent and make them pay their way in the house. You say yes and your husband says no. 

Well, I’m not one to usually sit on the fence, but I do feel like you are both right and wrong. 

Yes, they definitely should be contributing but maybe not in money. They work hard enough in college and with their part-time jobs, so let them keep that money for themselves. Also, if you did take rent money off them and they run out of money, who do you think they are going to ask for more? So let them keep their few bob.

Now, I’m not one either to do anyone out of a job, but having two 20-odd-year-olds and a housekeeper in the same building might seem a little packed for me — so I think you should get the girls to do most of the work of the housework and the housekeeper moves into a supervisor role to make sure the work gets done.

This takes you out of the role of making sure everything is done properly because you now have a supervisor for that.

You will also need a housekeeper for when the girls eventually do move out, so this way you are keeping everyone happy, especially you.

You are ticking a lot of boxes here without upsetting anyone. 

The girls might be asking why this is happening, and you’ll just say, “we don’t want to take your work money off you for rent, and this is a happy compromise unless you do want to hand over the cash”. 

We all know which one they’ll go for.

When I started this piece, there was no official formula or theory, and now we have one, it’s called ‘Ó’Sé theory of get off your arse’, and it goes like this: Study plus part-time job plus housework equals happy parents.

I don’t think you’ll cause any unnecessary friction in the house with this. Speak to your husband about it first, and he’ll see that it’s time for the girls to be making some shape in the house, and I think everyone will be happy. 

Explain to the housekeeper too what is going on and that their job is safe. Actually, this is a great thing for the housekeeper in one way, less physical work, but they might need to brush up, pun intended, on some managerial skills.

So, to answer your final question, I think it’s very fair that you ask your fully healthy daughters to start helping out around the house. 

Not only that, I think it’s very important that you do this now for themselves more than anything else, they won’t have anyone to do it for them when they do eventually move away!