Dear Dáithí: 'We have screen time limits for our daughter — should we do the same thing for her dad?'

Dear Dáithí: "In the evening after we put our daughter to bed he’s constantly watching TikToks on the couch while we're supposed to be watching Netflix together."

Dear Dáithí,

I’m worried about how much time my husband spends on his phone, it seems like it’s glued to his hand 24/7. When our alarm goes off in the morning he’s already scrolling through social media. He has his eye on it during every family meal or conversation and in the evening after we put our daughter to bed he’s constantly looking at TikToks on the couch while we’re supposed to be watching Netflix together.

He works from home for his job so I know he’s using it while working too, I can hear the videos playing from another room when he’s between meetings.

This probably seems like a trivial complaint because he’s a great husband and a hands-on dad too. He always spends time with our little girl, playing with her or teaching her to tie her laces, how to read, and so on. He loves making memories with her and he’s so devoted to us both.

And I don’t think he’s texting other women or anything like that!

I’m worried that he’s actually addicted to his phone and that he’s accidentally setting a bad example for our four-year-old. We have screen time limits for her with her tablet and the television — should we do the same thing for her dad?

How can I talk to him about my concerns without sounding silly?

It certainly seems that your husband is using his phone like a third arm, and it will be no surprise to anyone because this is happening in every house in Ireland. We all do it and it’s never a problem until it is a problem.

And not alone is this bothering you, but you think that it will influence your daughter... and you are 100% correct.

Young children pick up so much of what they see especially from their parents and that is why we need to be careful and mindful of our own actions.

I’m happy though that he’s not texting other women and we don’t have to go down that road. If he starts going to Coldplay concerts, I’d start getting worried!

It does look like everything else in your relationship is going great. He is a great husband and dad. You really can’t beat a dad who loves making memories and who gets stuck into all the small stuff and showing a good example.

But that good example must continue into his phone usage too, especially these days and all we know about the effects of screen time on children. 

And really the earlier this is in place the better and easier it will be because if she gets in a different screen routine it will be harder to get the device off her.

The screen time rule is in the house already but it only applies to her and not to you two and I would agree with this until it becomes an issue. 

Now it sounds like it mightn’t be a problem yet, so therefore the rule should only apply to her, but this will have to change if your husband continues like he is. This could cause problems between you both, so be ready for that one.

Dear Dáithí: "I’m worried that my husband is actually addicted to his phone and that he’s accidentally setting a bad example for our four-year-old. We have screen time limits for her with her tablet and the television — should we do the same thing for her dad?"

As much as I like the sound of your husband, when it comes to you both watching Netflix, he is giving you his time but more importantly he’s not giving you his presence. In other words, his mind is somewhere else. 

You may as well be watching it alone. I think this happened over time and he didn’t sit down one day and make a conscious decision about this. So he just needs to be aware of it and remember we all do this all the time, but a little reminder is called for here.

One thing about working from home is that you don’t have anyone looking over your shoulder so really you can pick up the phone as often as you want which can lead to doing so automatically and without even noticing — and with that you form a habit and I think this is what has happened.

It’s a habit he has formed over time, but it needs to be knocked on the head, he needs to break the cycle. For himself as much as anything else. 

This stuff fries your brain without you even knowing it, so there are many good reasons to do this. So how do you approach this?

Well, you know him better than anyone else — and remember this is not a big fight — it’s a conversation about screen time and asking him if you both spend too much time on the phones. 

You should check on your own phone how much time you spend on it and ask him to do the same... he might get a shock to learn how much he does. 

You need to be honest too and say that you think your daughter might pick up this bad habit and to be mindful of that.

This could well come down to introducing a few rules like ‘no phones in the kitchen and living room for everyone’, but you both must buy into this if that happens.

I think you must lead by example here before he puts up some resistance. I just think the whole internet thing and kids is a really frightening place to be and we really need to do all we can on this front.

So to answer your question, you are certainly not being silly by approaching this subject and you are acting like every parent should when it comes to this. It is so easy to hand them a tablet and let them off, but what are the long-term consequences?

Then, when you have everyone off their devices how about getting everyone out of the house to create more memories.

Again, I think you need to lead this, I wouldn’t tell them that you’ve planned this, just like it came into your head that morning and out you go to the beach or park walk or up a hill for the day.

Go one further than just getting away from screens. The energy you all will get will be tremendous and what an example you will be setting!