Richard Hogan: Are you dating a narcissist? Here are the tell-tale signs

If you are dating a narcissist, you didn’t meet them at first. In fact, they more than likely love bombed you

Last week, I wrote about being the child of a narcissistic parent. The response from so many adults who lived this experience was staggering. Thank you for all your emails. This week I’m going to look at what you can do if your partner is a narcissist. 

Jerry Seinfeld has a funny joke about dating. He tells the hypothetical story of his daughter coming home from a date saying how she has met a lovely guy, and Seinfeld replies, "You haven’t met him yet". 

If you are dating a narcissist, you didn’t meet them at first. In fact, they more than likely love bombed you. They told you everything you wanted to hear, treated you incredibly well. 

They often make their new partner feel like the centre of their universe. This is all planned out, so that you fall for them and their charismatic ways. Narcissists are manipulative people. 

They present themselves very well in the opening moments of a new relationship, they want you to have that memory when things change. And change they will, because that veneer cannot hold and eventually the real person is revealed. 

That person can be quite different from the person they presented at the start. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance, often having a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. 

They believe that they’re “special” and unique and require excessive admiration, they have a sense of entitlement, and they utilise interpersonal manipulation tactics to achieve their own ends, they have a lack of empathy for others and are incredibly arrogant. That is an exhausting list to read and if you recognise some of these traits in your partner, you may be living with a narcissist. 

You are probably exhausted pandering to their every whim. You may also be hanging onto the relationship because of who you met at the start. But remember who they are now, and who they have been for the majority of the relationship, is who they are. That earlier projected self was not a true representation of who they truly are.

A narcissistic person has a fundamental crack in their self-esteem. They may or may not be aware of this. They will generally seek out a more submissive partner, they believe they can dominate and subjugate to their will. It is all planned out. In my experience, therapy can even be used to drive the agenda of the narcissistic partner. 

They often seek out an inexperienced therapist, they feel they can manipulate to help gaslight their partner. It can be such a destructive and life-collapsing experience dating a narcissist. I have met so many parents in my work, devastated that they have lost their daughter or son to a narcissistic partner. 

A narcissistic person cannot take responsibility for failure or things not being the way they want them to be. Therefore they have to blame someone for their failings. This generally lands on the lap of their partner.

They make them feel inadequate, insecure and responsible for every tiny little thing that displeases them. They isolate them from their friends and family, they have them doubting their self-worth, soon you're having a difficult time enjoying activities because you are fearful to be yourself or act in certain ways around your partner and you are frequently feeling guilty for expressing your opinion or needs. A narcissist will drive a wedge between their partner and their family. 

They want to remove all outside influence on their partner so that they can have complete control of them. Coercive control is often used by a narcissistic partner. Very quickly everything is about the dominant partner.

There are things you can do to protect yourself when in a relationship with a narcissistic person. Understanding their disorder, is an important first step. Understanding that they struggle to take responsibility for their own actions is also important so you don’t internalise their negative comments. 

Never allow your partner to diminish your sense of self. A partner should encourage you and support you to develop, not to shrink your life down so that you are isolated and insecure. 

An important set of questions to ask yourself in any relationship is, can the person change, is the relationship worth fighting for, am I being abused in this relationship, do I deserve more than what I am receiving, do they have my best interests at heart, do I feel worse about myself now than I did before I started this relationship?

 Answering these important questions might bring you to the reality that you need to end the relationship. A narcissistic person can make you feel like you will never meet anyone again if the relationship ends, that is a manipulative tactic designed to keep you thankful for the relationship. 

Only you can decide what is best for you. We all deserve to be in a healthy relationship where we are supported and cherished and our partner is working to help us thrive in life not to damage us and isolate us. 

Next week I will write about how to manage a narcissistic boss or colleague in work.