Richard Hogan: Narcissistic parent? Here's how you can cope in adulthood

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In Greek mythology, Narcissus was a hunter from Thespiae, renowned for his beauty. 

The Roman poet Ovid recounts the most famous story of poor young Narcissus’ plight: how he rejected the romantic advances of all suitors only to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water.

Some stories resonate more with you than others. So in love is Narcissus with his own shadow, he cannot leave its side. Eventually he dies. Henceforth, giving birth to the term; narcissism.

Since the death of the young vainglorious lout, the term narcissism has become a household word. 

The term is widely used more than almost any other in modern language. It even has its own diagnostic definition in the DSM 5; ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. 

This is a psychiatric condition marked by grandiosity, excessive need for attention and admiration, and an inability to empathise. 

While the term is overly used in today’s lexicon, living with a narcissist, or working with one, or being in the orbit of one can wreak havoc in someone’s life.

Being the child of a narcissistic parent can devastate self-esteem, cause a rupture in healthy maturation, decrease a child’s sense of independence, and cause lifelong issues in the child’s relational life. 

The child can really struggle to form their identity free from their controlling parent.

A narcissistic person rarely marries another narcissistic person, they generally seek out someone they identify as easy to manipulate or dominate. 

In my experience, those marriages often don’t last because it is so intolerably unbearable to be around someone who craves so much attention, and lacks any empathy for those around them.

They can be like the event horizon of a black hole, sucking all that is good and wholesome out of the family, into their dark desire for appreciation and validation. 

When a marriage ends, generally the mother is the primary caregiver. If that mother is pathologically self-consumed, it can devour the child’s life. 

Similarly if the father is the primary caregiver and consumed with self, the same outcome will occur. The child will be enmeshed in the parents identity.

I have worked with so many narcissistic parents, who put their own needs ahead of the needs of their child. 

The child is indoctrinated into the belief system that they should be the ones to manage their parents' needs and emotional requirements. 

If there has been a separation, often the primary caregiver forces their child to reject the healthy, loving parent. The catastrophe this brings into the lives of all around them is absolute.

However, the caregiver is only interested in their own needs, and that is to see their ex suffer at their powerful hands. 

Many adults have been reared by a narcissistic parent. They come to realise this as they grow up, meet other parents, move off into relationships and start to parent children themselves. They slowly realise what happened to them was not loving parenting, but a manipulative abuse of power over an innocent child. 

I have sat with such pain in my clinic as an adult finally arrives with a full understanding of what happened to them growing up.

Narcissism is a chronic condition, which means it gets worse as the parent ages. 

When you are growing up and parented by a self-consumed parent with zero empathy for you, it destroys your confidence. 

The parent has a grandiose sense of themselves, so the child comes to reflect their sense of self. 

All achievements the child experiences are the glory of the parent. Similarly, all the mistakes and failures, that are a normal part of growing up are brutally punished because the narcissist cannot accept any short comings. 

Love is very clearly conditional on you pleasing the parent. This changes the neurochemistry in the child’s brain and sets them off on a trajectory of pathological people pleasing and depression. 

When a child realises that they must constantly change themselves to please their parent, it destroys confidence and erodes their individual identity. 

Another feature, I have noticed in this parent/child relationships, is as the child grows the parent becomes more critical of the child. 

Particularly if the child succeeds in life and has a loving relationship with their partner and children. 

Often the narcissistic parent will find reasons to dislike their child’s partner. This will cause incredible friction in their relationship.

If you are an adult and grew up with a narcissistic parent, it is time you developed boundaries for you and your parent. 

Remember a narcissistic person will devour all attention, and be unable to think about you and your feelings. Understanding that might help. 

You are an adult now, it’s time you finally put yourself first. Your job is not to regulate the emotions of your parent, that in fact, was their job to do for you.

Children of narcissists often feel guilty for striking out on their own and building their own healthy life. You owe that to yourself. 

You should be proud of yourself. Managing distance between you and an unhealthy parent is an important part of recovery from this childhood experience. 

Not giving them too much personal and emotional information about your life can also be helpful for maintaining a healthy boundary.

Knowing you are never going to receive the support and validation from them, is helpful when in their presence. 

It is possible to have a relationship with a narcissistic parent but it will require boundaries and an understanding that they want everything to be about them.

Next week, I will write about how to manage a narcissistic partner.