Dear Dáithí: My in-laws hate each other — and it makes our visits unbearable

Dáithí Ó Sé, a West Kerry man and Irish television presenter, pictured on the streets of Tralee in Co Kerry. Pic: Domnick Walsh.

Dear Dáithí,

I know this is going to sound like another “in-laws problem”, but hear me out. My husband’s parents don’t get on — and that’s putting it mildly. 

Up until a couple of years ago, it was all very much like they put on a front whenever we visited (like that couple in Father Ted who run the shop), but in the past two years, their dislike of each other has come to the fore. 

So much so, they sit in separate rooms in the house — each with their own TV — and if they do cross paths, it’s the silent treatment. 

Whenever we go to visit with our kids we have to shuffle between the two rooms to spend time with them. The tension is awful too, and now that our kids are a little older, they’re definitely feeling it. It’s so uncomfortable. 

It feels like no one is enjoying the visits, least of all our kids. And so we visit less and less, which is sad too. My husband has said it to them, but there’s no sign of them listening, they each blame the other. 

My husband’s brother and his family have stopped visiting altogether, and much as I don’t want to, I’m wondering if we should take that route too?

Having read this letter around four times I think you are the only person who can do something about this whole situation. 

One of two things will happen here, in my opinion — either the in-laws will straighten up and take the tension out of this, or you will stop going over there all the time and only drop a card off for Christmas, and that, as you say, would be very sad.

Like John and Mary from Father Ted, I’d imagine putting up a front for everyone every day took its toll and at the end they said: “To hell with this, this is how it is”. 

The issue or problem that was there was never addressed and so it was never sorted. It might have been something very small that escalated — only the in-laws know this. 

In one sense, it doesn’t matter what the original problem is because here we are faced with a bigger intergenerational problem that is really starting to affect their children and their grandchildren. 

They might not even realise what their actions are doing to others, they are quite happy to be pissing each other off and forgetting they have an audience, and a very personal and loving one at that. So we need to try and fix this — and that’s where you come in.

CLEARING THE FOG

You say your husband said it to them, but I wonder what he actually said? Here’s what you need to say to both your in-laws. Ask them both what they like about having the family over on a Sunday and what it means to them to have their grandchildren around. 

I’d dig deeper into this and wait for some real answers. Ask them what emotions they feel when the house is full and not empty like it is most of the time. 

What we are doing here is starting off on a positive note and a note that they both might not be expecting. What you’re really doing is clearing the fog and creating a clear picture. 

Your in-laws might dislike each other like you say, and we can’t change that fact, only they can do something about that, but we can remind them that outside that issue there is a bigger world of happiness with the whole family.

What I’m trying to avoid is going in with two big wellington boots and saying: “Look, we all know you don’t get on and that is fine, but the way you both are acting when we are here is very upsetting for everyone, and now your grandchildren have begun to notice the tension in the house and if it continues they don’t want to come over anymore, is this what you want?”. 

It might well come to this at the very end out of frustration on your side, but try and hold your nerve. It’s important to know you only need to get one of them on side first. The way they’re acting, the other will soon follow because they are acting like children.

If this situation were to continue, can you imagine the effect it would have on everyone, especially the grandchildren? They would be asking if this was the norm when you get older, and you’d have a tough time convincing them that it wasn’t. 

We must remember that your in-laws are from a different generation and might have seen this behaviour before. They might not have realised that it was sinking in with them, which is sad too, but this is all cyclical and it’s time to break this cycle and make sure it’s not passed on anymore.

Both in-laws staying in two different rooms when you are over needs to be addressed. Everybody needs to be in the kitchen together at the start, people can do what they want after a while. 

You need to say this to them and that they need to go back to putting on a front for an hour every week. If one of them can’t, then you’ll be meeting only one of them, and they might have to take turns meeting in the house. 

If this is not a runner, then you’ll be meeting in your house on different days. The main thing is that you’ve spoken to them about this and explained how everyone is feeling, and this is happening for the good of everyone.

I would remind your in-laws that the reason you are going to the bother of all of this is because you care. In the environment they’re in, the word “care” wouldn’t even feature in their dreams. 

If their relationship is gone, and it sounds like it is, then they need to focus on the other people in the family and their relationship with them. You have a tough task ahead of you, but one that is so worth doing. 

Once you get the in-laws away from pointing the finger at each other and directing their attention at other happy parts of the family, like someone doing well in an exam etc, we’ll have a great start.

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