Ask Audrey: I ended up doing a version of Riverdance which went viral — I will never have sex again

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice - it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: sorting Cork people for ages

It’s getting rackety on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Can’t Believe You’ve Never Heard of Padel. 

It all started yesterday when Adel_LovelySmell mockingly posted that her cleaning lady asked her what is this new sport called Padel. 

We banned Adel for 6 weeks, #Equality #Respect, we’d do anything for our cleaning ladies except pay them more or let them sit with us for lunch. 

(By the way Audrey, I doubt the Padel craze has hit Ballinlough yet, but it’s basically the tennis for people with Volvo Xc90s.) 

My Ken is addicted. I’m glad that he’s focused on something other than Cork Con and history podcasts. 

I was losing the will there for a few months, it’s all he was able to talk about, I get a twitch if someone mentions the Spanish Armada. 

Anyway, his playing partner is my best friend forever, Kiki Mac, and I’m starting to worry there’s something going on. 

It seems unusual to play Padel at one in the morning – when I asked him who they played against he muttered something about AI. 

I’m thinking of sneaking out to watch one of his games with Kiki. Do you think I’ll catch them doing the business?

- Jenni, Douglas Road 

 Don’t worry Jenni, you won’t catch them. Your Ken is very careful, I’ll never forget the precautions he took when he was sleeping with me last month. And I’m not talking about contraception.

Hello from lovely Kinsale! 

I don’t want to hear any of your wife-swapping jibes about Kinsale now Audrey, we call it swinging these days. Only messing, it’s actually very hard to get the ride down here. 

Listen, everyone down here is all over the news that they’ve started charging people to go into Venice. 

It’s ridiculous to compare the two towns of course – Venice has nothing that could compare to Charles Fort and a Dinos with tables. 

We’re firmly of the view down here that it’s high time we started charging people to come into Kinsale, particularly during the summer months. 

It’s ridiculous – my house is worth 3 million euro and still I have to queue behind someone from Ballyphehane if I want to buy an ice cream. 

They have Youghal, isn’t that good enough for them, instead of coming down here in their Hyundais and their little boys called Jadon in Liverpool jerseys? 

I was at a meeting last night of Walls Around Kinsale, we’re a group of wealthy people who like our own company and who could blame us. 

One of our members is a prominent builder, he pledged to put a huge fence around the town, with turnstiles on all the approaches. The only thing now is to come up with a suitable admission fee. 

What kind of money should we be charging to deter people who work with their hands? 

- Orla, Kinsale.

My cousin is a carpenter, he lives in Ballyphehane. I said, what would it take to stop you going to Kinsale? He said, a five-second conversation with one of the locals. (At least you know.) 

Hello old stock. Like everyone else on the Blackrock Road, I’ll be high-tailing it down to my country estate in Crookhaven on May 16 (never call it Crook, that’s for wannabes from the Douglas Road.) 

We’re getting out of Dodge, because I’d rather lick the street in Kilmallock than sit through three hours of Bruce Springsteen at his gig in Pairc Ui SuperValu. 

They call him The Boss – as if I’d have a boss. 

Everyone down here on right part of the Blackrock Road is the boss of everything they do. 

And even worse then are the Springsteen fans, bus-loads of them down from Dregsville (Thurles) in their straw hats, with ‘I’m only Here for the Beer’ written up on them. 

Anyway, it would be a shame to leave my 6.8 million euro mansion vacant when it could be making a fortune from some browl who has shite taste in music and loads of money. 

I don’t want some Lotto winner fingering my Picassos now, I want someone who at least earned their money or better still, inherited it like myself. 

Where would be a good place to find such a person? 

- Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said do you know any rich people who like Bruce Springsteen. She said, his family I’d say, they must love him!

Guten Tag. It’s May Bank Holiday Weekend and that can only mean one thing – Tony will be having a barbecue. 

He is my next-door neighbour here in Ballincollig and his first barbecue of the summer is an annual tradition. 

Tony likes Irish traditional music and so do I, but after two hours listening to his musician friends playing their diddly-aye, I start having murderous fantasies about impaling a freckly bearded man on his thin whistle. 

Last year I went over to complain but ended up doing a version of Riverdance which went viral on TikTok and I will never have sex again. How can I get Tony to stop the Diddly Aye? 

- Jurgen, Ballincollig and Berlin.

I have a similar problem here. Our next door neighbour has a set of bongos. I said, why did you choose the bongos, Irene? She said, I didn’t want to bother learning a musical instrument so it was either these or the bodhrán. #HonestIrene.