Ask Audrey: My girlfriend basically pointed herself at the sun and said 'Tan me, ya bollix'

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice - it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: sorting Cork people out for ages.

We’re a family of four from Kanturk, my wife Clodagh is very high up in pharmaceuticals. 

You can keep your snarky city p u t-downs now Audrey, we’re classic North Cork people, decent, funny and much better looking than people from Kilmallock. 

I’m writing to you today because my youngest, Cian, is having anxiety issues in the run-up to our holidays in France. 

We went to a lovely campsite last year in Brittany, but we couldn’t enjoy ourselves because it was full of families from Dublin. 

I’ve nothing against Dublin people in theory, but you’d be losing the will when they’re roaring at each other at two in the morning with their megaphone accents. 

Someone obviously told them they’re funny. It’s unbearable. 

Cian is getting anxiety dreams about this year's holiday, he’s waking up in the middle of the night going “Yiz are nothing but a shower of dirty bollixes.” 

We were able to laugh about until last Sunday, when Cian roared it out at Mass after going for a snooze, he nearly woke half the church including the priest. 

We have the ferry booked for July, Audrey, but we haven’t pulled the trigger yet on a campsite. 

Is there anywhere you can book a holiday that guarantees your money back if the resort is full of Dubs?

— Eoin, Kanturk

My friend is a travel agent, she has nothing to do all day. I asked her what she’d recommend. 

She said, normally I’d say why don’t you just stay at home, but that’s a horrible thing to say to someone from North Cork.

It’s getting reflective on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Whose Sunglasses Cost More than Your House. 

Marie_OldMoney kicked it off on Tuesday when she did an Instagram reel in Penneys, trying on their sunglasses. 

There was uproar as you can imagine, and Fifi_MyKenHasAMaserati pressed the EGM klaxon button in her house, you can hear the siren for miles, but it only makes sense to Douglas Road Stunners. 

We scrambled immediately, like a beautifully dressed lifeboat crew, and our EGM was in session 24 minutes post-k laxon, a new record. 

Marie was there in a pair of Dior sunglasses and we weren’t slow to tell her it’s a bit late for that now, bee-atch. 

But we’re bound by laws in the Stunners and hadn’t Marie brought one of the top barristers in Cork (my Ken!) to plead her case. 

He sparkled in there Audrey, pointing out that expensive sunglasses were the kind of thing you’d expect from a North Tipp bogwoman at the races in Limerick Junction. Powerful stuff. 

But then I start ed to think, he’s sitting very close to Marie there, I know she’s his client and everything, but they have to be touching, I wonder is there something going on? 

Do you think I should be worried?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

Your husband is sleeping with a woman who gets her sunglasses in Penneys. It’s not worried you should be – it’s morto.

C’mere, what’s the story with getting Tanora in Seville? 

The old doll just booked us a weekend break there for next week and she’s all talking down to me, don’t be disgracing me Dowcha Donie, this is a posh Spanish city now, there’ll be no full Irish or cans of Fosters or a gang of lads over from Hartlepool for a stag party who are a bit of crack until they aren’t, d'you know that kind of a way. 

I’m pushing back at this now Audrey, how dare she imply I’m some kind of nervous Norrie afraid of fresh experiences . 

I went to a ballet recently and didn’t even leave at half-time. 

Anyhow, I did a bit of googling about this Seville and it seems proper Spanish in fairness, which is Dodge City for me because I don’t like octopus – it’s like eating your insides. 

I’m trying to strike a deal with her, McDonalds once a day and then she can pick the food choices after that once I’ve had a decent bit of munch. 

She’s moaning about that though , there’s no pleasing the woman, and insisting that I have to just jump in and experience the local culture. So like, is there anything I’d like in a Spanish restaurant?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I’d say bring sandwiches. As for copping a feel off a passing waitress and saying “Ah stop, it’s just a bit of tap-ass” - don’t .

G’day. I’m Australian if you haven’t already guessed, and I’ve heard all the jokes about Alf Stewart so you can rack off. 

My girlfriend here in Cork is Irish and she basically pointed herself at the sun this week and said, “Tan me, ya bollix.” 

That’s the kind of stuff she says – I love that about her, but I’m trying to find a way to get her to put on sunblock without giving her the hump. 

It’s all going to end in freckles and I’d don’t like a woman with freckles. What would you recommend?

-  Jay, Melbourne and Skehard Road

I’d hate to see you wasting your time (you flamin’ mongrel.) So I recommend you stop trying to prevent Irish people from getting second-degree burns in late April. 

For one day a year, we get to imagine what life would be like if we were Spanish. That night, we ring our mother and ask if she has any Calamine lotion in the fridge. She does. Because she’s been here before.