Dear Dáithí: 'I feel like I'm losing my children to their online lives'

'You’re right to question it and be proactive. Your husband needs to get up off his arse and support this'

Got a problem? Our agony uncle, Dáithí Ó Sé, is here to help. Picture: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,

We have two sons and one daughter, my daughter is 17 and my sons are 15 and nearly 13. They are all absolutely addicted to their screens. It became very apparent to us over Christmas. We usually go for walks and visit neighbours together as a family at Christmas, but they refused to come this year and we didn’t push it. 

We have a strict rule during school time, no screens in bedrooms, but we had family visiting so we let them move their Playstation into the bedroom to keep them out of the sitting room. They have been on it morning, noon, and night. They haven’t been going to sleep until all hours. We have to roar at them to come to meals, it stressed me out. If I hear “I just have to finish this round” again I’ll go nuts! 

Now they’re pushing to keep the PS in the bedroom. My husband is inclined to allow them because it means we’ll have the TV in the sitting room to ourselves. I feel like I’m losing my children to their online lives. They are sporty and involved in clubs, so I’m hoping when training is back it will balance out again. 

I’m horrified how much time they’ve wasted during their holidays. They all say I’m overreacting and all their friends do the same. Should I accept this is how they want to spend their leisure time? I don’t want to be the nag all the time.

This is an issue in every household in Ireland, my own included. I find if you don’t set down some ground rules from the beginning it can be hard to resolve. Now there are some benefits of having such devices in the house, it’s a good way to play with other school friends at the weekends if they can’t meet up. As parents too we don’t want them to be left out of the gang by not having them. I know this can sometimes lead to bullying etc. but outside of that, you need to be the grown-up here. You are in charge.

Your husband needs to get up off his arse, I get it, he wants the TV to himself, we all do. But look at the bigger picture here. This is influencing the whole house. I know it’s hard, but I think all the family should be in the one room watching the same thing, like we did years ago. Now we did have only one TV in the house, and I was the remote control! The worrying issue for me is that when there are other screens in the house and these screens are in another room, they can be watching anything and everything. You know your children better than anyone else, but they are curious by nature and things do pop up on these screens all the time even if they don’t want them.

The PlayStation is in the bedroom, now that the children are back in school go up to the room this minute and take it out. You don’t even want to discuss this with them because if you do there will be an argument and you don’t need that in your life.

Just tell them that was only for Christmas and Christmas is well over now. When you have this done, set down some ground rules and stick to them. You are in charge here and remind them of that. It’s for their own good but they don’t realise it yet.

This has you stressed out, so by doing nothing what will happen? You’ll still be stressed out and that stress will get worse, so now is the perfect time with all the other stresses of Christmas gone too.

I think lots of parents are like you when you say you think you’re losing your kids to the online world. It’s up to us as parents not to let this happen. We need to be proactive and yes, I know that takes time and effort, but we need to do it. I know all I want to do lots of the time is lay on the couch like your husband and watch what I want to watch, but that hasn’t happened in a long time or when they have all gone to bed, then I’m just too tired!

Now with Christmas behind us and the evenings getting longer and the sports season ready to kick off, there is light at the end of this tunnel. Your children are sporty, and this is a great thing. Again, I’d have a plan of action for them when the sports kick off again. Being part of a club is so important for young people, especially in today’s world and it does get them away from that online world. You can even see it in their moods, they are a lot happier when they’re out and about with their friends. It’s only when they’re online a good bit we realise that screens have an effect on them, so being out in the fresh air is the best for them.

To answer another one of your questions, you’re not overreacting, no way. I think this is one of the biggest problems we face as parents and you’re right to question it and certainly right to be proactive. No way either should you accept that this is the way they want to spend their leisure time, they can decide whatever they want when they’re older. Until then it’s your rules under your roof.

By the way, you’re not nagging them — you’re parenting them. There is a big difference. The ages that your children are at right now, this might be the last opportunity for you to take this action so I wouldn’t hang around. Now is the time and not tomorrow. You’ll need the help and backing of the husband too. You need to sit down with him and discuss it with him. He’ll get it too.

I think when parents realise that this can have a real effect on their children, they tend to move a little faster. I’ve said it lots of times here, all we want is the best for our children, and a lot of the time our children can’t see it. That’s why we must do it for them.

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