Dear Dáithí: 'I'm worried my religious parents will reject me if I tell them I am gay'

"Your parents seem to be good people, they are obviously people of strong faith. People might not think much of this anymore, I really like it."

Dáithí Ó Sé. Picture: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,

My whole family are quite old-fashioned, very religious, and looking back, my parents were strict with us growing up. 

We didn’t have friends over, we weren’t allowed go to discos, or stay out late as teenagers. 

I am the middle child in a family of five. I’ve always done exactly what my parents wanted me to. 

I studied accounting in UCC, I would have loved to have gone to Dublin but my parents wanted me to stay close to home. 

My siblings have all ended up living abroad and I’m the only one still in Cork. 

I do have a good job, and I know my parents love me and are proud of me, but we never really connect on a deeper level. 

My problem is I recently had a kind of an epiphany. I joined a singing group and I’ve struck up a close friendship with a woman there. 

She is opening my eyes to a lot of things I never really thought about — she is bisexual, and she says we have only one life to live and we shouldn’t waste it. I am developing real feelings for her. 

My parents’ viewpoint is that love and marriage is only between a man and a woman. If I told them I am gay, it would destroy our relationship. 

I visit them every week and we go to Mass together every Sunday. My faith is important to me, and I don’t want to hurt my parents, however, I feel I’m wasting my life not being true to myself. 

I’ve never really been in a proper relationship, now I feel I might have a chance at a fulfilled life. 

But the cost may be my parents’ respect.

What seems like a huge problem might be the best thing to happen to you. 

First of all, you are not alone being in this situation, I know more than a few who have gone through this and from listening to them the first step seems to be the hardest. How to manage this step might be the key. 

Ireland is an ever-changing place. I think people in their 30s and 40s are in a kind of twilight zone where the people who went before us lived a very conservative, straightforward life, on the outside anyway, and what’s in store for the next generation — God only knows. 

But it will be a lot different from that of our parents. But as your new friend said, you’ve only one life and you shouldn’t waste it. Never a truer word said.

From your letter your parents seem to be good people and always wanting the best for you, they are obviously people of strong faith too. People might not think much of this anymore, I really like it.

You seem to be caught too as you are the only family member at home in Cork now as the rest of the family live in ‘not Cork’ — as it was once explained to me.

This is the wish of your parents, and we always want to make our parents happy. This is natural, but as we grow older and want to spread our wings this can get in the way. The older you get, the harder it is to break this cycle.

Let’s look at the bigger picture, why are you the only family member still in Cork? You should ask them why, without first telling them your story. I think you will learn a lot from that conversation.

Next, chat to the family member you are closest to and tell them your news and ask them how they think you should proceed to tell your parents. They will have a good outside eye on this. 

You might even bring this family member with you when you’re telling your parents. This is only a suggestion; you’ll know what’s best to do here yourself.

I love an epiphany; you can’t beat a good one. I always thought epiphany was a fragrance by Calvin Klein, I can hear the ad in my head. 

‘Epiphany for men by Calvin Klein’ in that real deep American accent, but apparently, it’s a lot more than that. An epiphany in the middle of a singing group, it just keeps getting better! What a lovely story.

I think we can all remember that first tingle in our belly when we see someone that we have made a connection with, the excitement of catching someone’s eye from across the room and the first slow steps forward to something meaningful. 

It’s such an exciting time. However, there is a cloud hanging over all this excitement and that is your parents.

I know they are religious and are very conservative and you think that this will ‘destroy your relationship with them,’ but you don’t know that for sure.

Yes, I think they will be surprised and might be angry and everything else, but when they digest it all, then you can explain what life is like for you and how you truly feel, they will have no choice really but to see the light from the shade.

Parents, myself included, are funny creatures, we make rules and we have beliefs and very strong ones but when it comes to our children being happy we bend and break them. 

We want nothing else in this world then for our children — no matter what age — to be happy. In this case with the rest of the family a distance away, I doubt they will want to drive you away.

Even though your parents are the backbone of your letter to me, you are centre stage here, this is about you.

You’ve met someone new, and I get from your letter this is the first person in a while. I don’t care if the person is bisexual or trisexual (would try anything - it’s a Kerry thing), I’m delighted for you.

You used the word ‘fulfil’, what a great word and to have a fulfilled life is what we all want. Why would you deny yourself of that?

You also have a strong faith, and nothing should change here. I don’t care what any religion says, God still loves you and you need nobody else to tell you otherwise.

Do be patient with your parents when breaking the news. I’ve often said it here, communication is the key. 

They are of a different generation, and it might take time but it will work out for you.

- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.

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