Ask Audrey: Hurling League final could be a deathblow to house prices in Ballintemple

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting charitable on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Are More Ethical Than You. Fanny_ThatsMyNameGetOverIt kicked it all off yesterday when she posted a photo of herself buying beef with a 30% off sticker in Lidl because it was nearly out of date. 

Before any of us could push the ‘Ban Fanny’ button she was back with a photo of herself hugging a homeless person on the Grand Parade, followed by a 500 word lecture on how she had accepted a ‘Live Like a Poor Person’ challenge. 

You have to show how you can live on 100 euro a week, as a way of understanding how people survive in slums like Bishopstown and Ballinlough. 

We banned Fanny from the group for a month, because that’s our response to everything. But this is tricky for the Douglas Road Stunners. 

It’s one thing to go to charity lunch in Hayfield Manor in aid of a good cause and drink your (meagre) bodyweight in Espresso Martinis on a Friday afternoon. 

It’s another thing to be seen buying almost gone off beef in Lidl. Surely there must be some middle ground, where we can advertise our virtue without going to a German supermarket ? Any ideas for us at all Audrey? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, what’s the best way to understand a poor person? She said, I have an app on my phone can that translate from the NorrieSpeak.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My bitch of a sister is coming down from Dublin next week with her two snivelling children, they’re off for the Easter and she’d do anything for a bit of free childcare. 

No prizes for guessing the tool-head that will be stuck with her kids while she swans around leading her best life, as she calls it on Instagram. 

Speaking of the Insta, isn’t the bitch after announcing to her ten thousand followers, the gowls, that she is going to post a series of little videos during her visit highlighting the ‘rich cultural heritage’ that we have down in the borderland between north Cork, Limerick and Kerry. 

To top it all, didn’t she ring me yesterday and say, “I have a job for you Rosealeen from Ballydesmond – go out there now and scout 10 good locations for my series of videos to show the lads.” 

Talk about a tall order, Audrey. The only culture you’ll get in Scartaglin is inside in a tub of yoghurt, and I wouldn’t fancy your chances of finding an exhibition of Dutch Masters in an art gallery in Knocknagree. 

The only thing I could find is the Sliabh Luachra Music Trail, but I’m not sure if my sister’s chi-chi knobend friends would be into a fiddle player from Newmarket. Can you think of anything else?

-  Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

M y niece is an artist, you might have seen her sculpture on a roundabout and thought what an awful waste of money. I said, what would you tell people to see in Ballydesmond. She said, a shrink – like, what are they doing in north Cork?!!

C’mere what’s the story with being a billionaire media mogul. Myself and the old doll are addicted to that show Succession, it do be on Sky, and it was back again there during the week, thank God, because we were running out of things to talk about and have you seen the price of relationship counselling? Mind you, it wouldn’t bother us if were as rich as the gomies on Succession, all their houses do have amazing views, it’s like living on the northside. 

The old doll is nagging me now, saying we need to up our game and start dressing like billionaires, ‘fake it ‘til you make it’, do you know that kind of a way. 

I said grand girl, you can walk into the pub first on Friday and take the bulk of the slagging for dressing like a Kardashian and she spat back, well it would be nice to see you in something other than that Liverpool top. 

I have no idea how you dress like a billionaire - the father in Succession is always in cardigans so that’s a non-runner. Any fashion tips for a wannabe billionaire Audrey? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My sister is a personal shopper to the richest woman in Cork. I said, how would you describe her? She said, very carefully, she has spies everywhere. I said, dammit, I was hoping you’d dish the dirt and I could sell it to one of them.

Hey dude, so I’ve just seen that the hurling league final between Limerick and Kilkenny is going to be in Pairc Ui Chaoimh. The place is going to smell of ham and racehorses for weeks after their knuckle-dragger fans moping around my neck of the wood, it could be the death blow for house prices in Ballintemple, which could directly impact my plans to retire at the age of 32, and give up the whole entrepreneur gig. 

Is there, like, a court of appeal where I could beg them to move the game to Thurles? 

- Ed, Ballintemple

I rang the GAA there and asked them to move the game for you. The woman said, sorry, there is only one thing that could stop a match going ahead in Pairc Ui Chaoimh. And that’s Ed Sheeran. Or Elton John maybe.