Listen — Ask Audrey: '99s are for Norries and everyone knows it'

How do you convince a posh wan to houseswap for a three-bed semi in North Cork? Asking for a friend
Listen — Ask Audrey: '99s are for Norries and everyone knows it'

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s getting alarming on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Think 99s are for Norries. Lorna_ArtisanGelato said there was war in Clonakilty last night when her daughter Belle asked for a 99. Lorna said, "soz now Belle-a-rino, but putting a flake in ice cream is the kind of thing you’d expect from someone whose Dad drove a bus for a living." 

We banned Lorna on the spot because saying you were in Clonakilty is basically admitting that you couldn’t afford Schull, and you’d probably struggle to get your son into Pres. But it also set the alarm bells ringing because 50% of being a Douglas Road Stunner is posting 'Living My Best Life' shots on Instagram, showing you eating ice cream by the sea with your perfect kids on a Tuesday afternoon. (It’s our way of saying 'I don’t need to work.') 

What if one of those posts showed me with a 99? Well, it wasn’t long before we were trawling through each other’s timelines looking for a post we could share with the group using the caption, Who’s the Norrie with the 99? Fifi_CremeBrulee found one of me in Kenmare last year, which is double trouble because who in their right minds would go to Kerry on their holidays? There is talk of kicking me out of the group for six months — do you know if anyone can confirm whether 99s actually are for Norries?

— Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said have you ever eaten a 99? She said, too fattening Audrey, you can’t be seen in Crookhaven looking like a Wibbly Wobbly Wonder.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Well, Jesus lads but it’s a living hell for people up here after the Kerry savages across the border beat Dublin in the football last weekend. They’re blowing their horns every time they cross the border — wouldn’t it be more in their line to stay at home and wash their manky-looking kids? It’s only going to get worse after they beat Galway in the final, which is a nailed-on certainty because the only thing Galway people are good at is playing the bongos on Shop Street to make the couple of quid. Well, wasn’t Berna at the cheerful end of a bottle of gin the other night when she came up with a plan. 

Rosealeen, she said, we’ll put your house up on one of those house swap websites for the next two months to get away from the Kerry browls, we might be able to go somewhere nice. I said, would you stop with your gin talk Berna, as if there is someone sitting in a chic penthouse in Barcelona this minute crying their eyes out because they don’t wake up in north Cork. She said, you don’t just find daft people in south Limerick Rosealeen, there’s bound to be someone who’ll do the swap. I’m coming around to her point of view Audrey — do you think there is someone out there who would like to live in Ballydesmond? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I doubt it, Rosealeen. I was thinking you might stumble on someone from Waterford who isn’t well travelled. But they’re all well-travelled in Waterford because they’d do anything to get out of the place.

C’mere, what’s story with telling your old doll that she needs to lose a bit of weight? We’re going to a music festival in Barcelona next month — it’s just music, no posh hippy wellness gurus telling me I do need to be improving myself. It’s going to be banging except my old doll likes to get up on my shoulders at these things so she can have a look around — between yourself and myself she’s after putting on a few pounds during Covid. No problem on the bedroom front, I like a bit of meat on the bones. 

But my back isn’t the best, it’s a genetic thing, I got it from the old man, and I don’t want to be laid up in Spain just because herself has zero self-discipline. So like, Audrey, is there any easy way to say sorry girl, but you should have thought about that before you got stuck into the fun-sized Mars bars?  

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Simple question for you Dowcha Donie — would you rather have a sore back or be single?

Guten Tag? My mother and father just arrived in from Frankfurt to visit me here in Cork. They are finding it hard to come to terms with all the freckles. Another thing they are finding very odd is the way people at the checkout tills give them the price they owe, and then add ‘whenever you are ready’. (I never noticed this before, but it is true.) 

My father is a very precise man all his life, so he says, ‘I am ready now’ when they say this and then the shop person says ‘there’s no rush’, as if they do not really want to take his money. This is very peculiar behaviour. What is wrong with Cork shop people? 

— Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig.

My cousin works in a shop, her mother is disgraced. I messaged her there and said is it true that Cork shopkeepers only have a couple of phrases? She said no. I said, OK, I have a question, what time would suit for a short phone call? She said, whenever you’re ready.

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