Ask Audrey: 'I went to Ballydesmond and all I got was the Clap'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. Jesus Christ, you can’t move in north Cork this time of year without a busy body trying to sign you up to a committee. Poor Berna went out to get a sliced pan on Saturday morning and didn’t she up as Head of Vision (South-East Asia) for the Tidy Towns crowd. I said what does Head of Vision South East-Asia mean, and she said your guess is as good as mine, but it was either that or Chief Creative Monkey and I didn’t want people laughing at me. I bumped into Hannah Mac on my way out of Mass and long story short, I’m Junior Vice-President for the Visit Ballydesmond tourism push. God forgive me for speaking ill of my native town, but I’m not sure that Ballydesmond would fare well in a direct comparison with Venice. Or Valentia. They asked me to come up with a catchy tourism slogan for the town and didn’t I suggest: “At least you’re not in Scartaglin.” Up on the billboards it went anyway and wasn’t Murty T on his way back from doing a bit of fly-tipping on the Kerry side yesterday, when he saw a digital sign no less on the border saying “I went to Ballydesmond and all I got was the Clap.” Is that a fair response, tell me?  

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

I asked my friend the solicitor there and said what’s your take on getting an STD on your holidays? She said, well, it takes me back to the 1990s. Great times.

C’mere, what’s the story with moving to Mayo. I was reading the paper there yesterday and I saw a headline about some place in Mayo being the luckiest town in Ireland. That’s nothing more than clickbait now for Cork people, because how could a lucky person end up living in Castlebar? Like, the definition of good luck is being born in Cork. Anyway, I read the article and didn’t it say that Castlebar has had four Lotto jackpot wins, more than any other town in Ireland. I’m been playing the Lotto all my life and the total winnings would barely buy you a Colossal Burger up in Tasty Snacks. Long story short, I told the old doll we’re moving to Castlebar yesterday and she said, but you’re not superstitious Dowcha Donie and I said, I know but I’m not rich either so start packing. I’ve been looking on Myhome.ie and I’ll be able to buy a really daycent gaff in Castlebar once I sell my place here, with loads of money left over to invest in Lotto tickets. Budgie says I won’t last three months up there, what with learning a new language and everything. That got me thinking – would I have to change my name if I moved to Mayo?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I’d say change it anyway. There was something bothering me about your story, so I rang an estate agent in Mayo and said, why are house prices in Castlebar so low if every second person has won the Lotto? She said, because they all leave. #MakesSense

So like, I’m from the second richest family in Cork based on the way I wear scruffy-looking hippy gear that cost a fortune. (My beanie cost more than a semi-d in Glanmire.) Anyway, none of my friends in Ballintemple bothered with the vaccine because we’re able to fight off viruses with our self-confidence. So like when the rest of the world was looking at your man Novak Djokovic last week and going, look out he’s a madman, I was going, Novak, dude, you’re a lot like me but with a weaker backhand. Like everyone except the old man said I should have been a professional tennis player, but I didn’t follow through in case in got in the way of my entrepreneurial start-up vibe. So now, instead of playing in a Grand Slam tournament, I’m selling Kimchi doughnuts in Midleton market on a Saturday market, without once thinking Ed, you’re a total failure dude. Anyway, bright sparks in the brain, why not run a tennis tournament for unvaccinated superstars in Cork and invite Novak and his friends to take place. Do you think I’d get much buy-in from the jobsworths in City Hall, or do they expect me to drag this city out of the mire all by myself? 

-Ed, Ballintemple.

I rang City Hall there and said where would be a good place to play a tennis tournament for unvaccinated superstars. Your man said, the moon. (I think that’s a no.)

It’s getting flighty on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Will Give Up Sea Swimming the Minute They Get DryRobes Into Aldi. Fifi_3GrandBikini said the exclusivity vibe is starting to wear off the sea-swimming scene and only yesterday she ended up sharing Rocky Bay with some call centre type from Carrigaline. Rhonda_No2Honda said tell me about it babes, this nobody from Cloyne tried to talk to me yesterday in Inch, and we barred Rhonda because you’re not allowed to mention east Cork on the chats. So, is there any beach where you can pay to have it to yourself? 

-Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, where do stand on sea-swimming? She said, by the over-priced horsebox-cafe in the car-park, you’ll never see me going for a dip.

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