Ask Audrey: All my friends have Covid now and I’m feeling a bit left out

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. What does a girl have to do to get a dose of Omicron in this town and surrounding country side? All my friends have it now and I’m feeling a bit left out. It’s so bad that Berna managed to test positive yesterday, a woman so shite at picking up things that she once came home without a man from the Macra dance in Newmarket. We have a Facebook page called What’s Happening in Ballydesmond – it’s usually quieter than a Scartaglin man when the calls goes out looking for a volunteer. But it’s been buzzing all week with gowls talking about their mild Omicron symptoms and sharing photos of their positive antigen tests, there’s a want in some people. Anyway, didn’t Lorraine from the road below tag me in a comment, the bitch, saying that I was a notable absentee from the chat, and asking if I was alright? Well Audrey, the problem is that I am alright! I’m doing antigen tests four times a day and all it’s giving me is an inflamed nose like one of those country doctors who is a bit fond of his booze. Short of licking somebody - which I wouldn’t advise up here in north Cork unless you’re on your third gin – do you know how I can get my hands on some Omicron? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

My nephew, Nerdy Niall, can get his hands on anything, except a girlfriend or clean clothes. #TheresALinkNiall. I said, where would you get Omicron? He said, you can order it online. I said, how is it delivered. He said, Novak Djokovic will call to your house and give you a kiss. How bad!

It’s getting well jealous on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Wouldn’t Want to Be A Close Contact with Someone Like You. Fifi_MiuMiuHandbag called Kiera_2SonsInPres a ‘total beeatch’ in the group the other day, after Kiera tested positive and shopped her as a close contact to the jobsworths working for Test and Trace. Lorna_IncredibleGenes said, me too you total snitch, I hope now I test positive because we’re going skiing in February, Klosters in Switzerland, anything less is just for call-centre middle-managers from Passage West. Rosie_IRecycleMoreThanYou said, where did ye all meet up girls? - there was radio silence for that because people have stopped inviting Rosie to things since she started making her own soap. (She smells likes someone from Donoughmore.) The thing is Audrey, I haven’t seen the girls either in a couple of weeks. I happen to know they were at an undercover hen party for Kiera’s cousin, Lorna – she’s getting married to this guy Gordon from Bandon, she had to settle for him because she’s 33. It’s possible I didn’t get an invite there, because I was Gordon’s Bonk Buddy in college. (He gave me the impression he was from Inishannon, which is just posh enough.) Anyway, I’m feeling a bit insecure – do you think I should organise a party in my huge back garden a la Boris Johnson and see who turns up? J

- Jenni, Douglas Road 

Do and please invite me. We could discuss the Big Question – is there anyone in Cork who didn’t sleep with Gordon. (He told me he was from Clon.) 

C’mere, are the latest Covid rules available in English? Budgie rang me there last night and said, wey hey Donie, they’ve relaxed the self-isolation rules, Dr Tony is basically telling us to go out and get Omicron and then go about about our business, no bother. I said, hang on a second there Budgie, I think you might have the wrong end of the stick. (Budgie wouldn’t exactly be the kind of lad you’d sign up for Mastermind.) So I did a bit of digging, to see what the latest restrictions actually mean. It wasn’t that easy, because it can be hard to understand what Stephen Donnelly is on about half the time, with his Wicklow-American accent. But as far as I can make out, as long as you have the booster, you can avoid the isolation period as long as you don’t be having symptoms. Ok like, but what constitutes a symptom? My old doll is forever telling me that I have the manflu every year, from January through to early May. So like, is manflu a symptom of the old Covid? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My uncle is one of the leading doctors in Munster. I rang him there and said, would be willing to take a look at Donie, face to face. He said, it’s not safe. I said, why? He said, he’s from Blackpool!

Guten Tag. I have my eye on this girl at work and asked her out for an afternoon drink this weekend. She said, no way Jurgen boy. I said, do you find me unattractive? She said, no, it’s just that I don’t drink during January. I said, will we go for a drink next month? She said, no, I’ll find you unattractive then. Very hurtful. But why do Irish people stop drinking in January, just when you need it the most? 

-Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig

 I rang the Posh Cousin there and said, when was the last time you had a drink. She said, I can’t remember. I said, it was that long ago! She said, no, I was langers!