Ask Audrey: How can you tell if a bee is from the northside?

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. It isn’t just the crowd above in Donegal that are having massive wakes and funerals, tis like Mardi Gras itself in north Cork with all the socialising going on. I was bitching about it to my cousin Berna yesterday and didn’t she rear up at me and say why don’t you do something about it so without burning a hole in my ear with your ullagoning, ya daft old witch. (She’s very cross these days, it isn’t easy being a life-long Liverpool fan.)
Anyway, didn’t I take a leaf out of the Donegal crowd’s book and start my own confidential snitch-line for goings-on around north Cork, it’s like a gold mine for the bit of sca. (It’s all on again between Veronica and the archdeacon.)
Anyway, there is some confusion over the phone numbers, and amn’t I after starting to get calls from whistle-blowers above in Donegal. Oh lads, bad cess to the accents on some of the lads, I’m driven wild from the auld lust. I’m thinking of making a trip up to meet one of them – is inter-county travel allowed if you’re nearly as horny as the woman from Scartaglin? — Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

I rang the Guards there and repeated your question, just as you asked it. The female guard said, I’m livid, I’m from Scartaglin. I said, I hear you, I’d be livid too if I was from Scartaglin. (She gave me a fine.)

Hey dude, it’s not easy being Ballintemple’s answer to Elon Musk. People shout “You think you’re better than me, dude” on the street and I’m “Peace, man, we’re todally equal if you just could see beyond my 7 grand Nike Yeezy sneakers signed by Kanye West - it’s not my fault my old man gives me 7 grand a week as long as I don’t contact him or his new girlfriend in Martinique.”
Anyway, my latest venture selling deep fried-figs out of a horsebox on the Marina is todally on-fire, thank God the 20-something crowd love standing in a queue in designer gym-gear. There’s this one chick that comes back four times a day and she’s like, hey dude, I todally had Covid last month, immunity babes, let’s go to Ibiza, when are you getting vaccinated, and I don’t want to say really soon because I told her I’m 34, ya feelin’ me?
My man, Bryan with a Y, says there’s nothing wrong with a 45 year old guy heading to Ibiza with a 25 year old chick, but I’m like, negative, Bryan with a Y, 20 year gap is a bit Kinsale. So, like, do you know anyone I could lick to get me some of that sweet Covid? — Ed, Ballintemple, willing to pay Bitcoin.

My friend was diagnosed positive yesterday, East Cork. I said, would you let this guy lick you for money? She said, depends, any chance I’d catch something off him? I said, acute entitlement. She said, I didn’t realise he’s from Ballintemple. #EntitledTheLotOfThem

C’mere, what’s the story with buying Man United for your friend? Budgie is 34 next week and he’s a fierce United fan, so I was thinking, what if I bought him the club for his birthday, t’would make a change from a Lynx Africa grooming kit.
Money wouldn’t be a problem because Shorty told me about these things called NFTs, where you create a work of art and sell it for a fortune to gowls with more money than sense. So, I’ve written this limerick to raise the spons – There once was a lad from Blackpool, a mad thing for acting the tool, brought his friend Man United, your man was delighted, I can’t think of a last line. Would you like to start the bidding at 1 billion? — Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang my art critic friend there, Pretentious Pronsias. I said, how much would a limerick fetch on the open market. He said, about a 100 quid. I said, but it’s a work of art! He said, I thought you were talking about the city.

It’s getting buzzy on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Want Northside Bees in Their Massive Back Garden. Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said she can’t stop thinking about bees, because if she does, she’ll have to face the fact that she was supposed to be in Istanbul with her Ken right now, and this would probably make her cry if she didn’t get her tear ducts done in Budapest back in 2018.
Chloe_SureIKnowE said she almost gags her breakfast up when she hears about people buying a bee hotel in some dire DIY place, that’s just so Ballinlough. Eithne_SubtleLipJob was straight back with the news that she spent 3 grand on a 7-star Bee Wellness resort for her back garden, but she’d love to be sure that she’s attracting the right kind of bee because some of them have a buzz that sounds well Norry. So, I’d love to know, how can you tell if a bee is from the northside? — Jenni, Douglas Road

My Norry niece is a beekeeper because she didn’t even get the points for Arts. I rang her there and said, is there any way to tell if a bee is from the northside? She said, the Norry ones will be smaller. I said, really? She said, absolutely, sure everyone knows the biggest B’s in Cork live on the southside. #ThinkSheMeantBeeatches