Joanna Fortune: How can I support my grandchildren through their parents' divorce?

The grandparent-grandchild relationship is such an important connection. Focus on keeping your home and time with them about connection and fun. This will be such a gift to them as you all negotiate this new landscape.

My son and daughter-in-law have decided to divorce. I’m heartbroken, particularly for their two children whom I look after once a week. They don’t fully understand what is happening, only that their dad will be living in an apartment close by. 

I’m doing my best to be supportive but I find it difficult as I can see the impact it’s having on the children — and my son, who did not see the break-up coming. How can I navigate this difficult transition?

You have an important role in helping them to navigate this transition, by being calm, consistent, and a steady base for the children. Knowing they’re coming to you once a week and nothing will change at your house will be a help to them. 

You offering them a conflict-free space each week is exactly what they need while their parents work to agree a plan and to adjust to their new family arrangement.

Your predictable routine is an essential emotional buffer at times like this. Focus on that and stay out of the parental disputes, regardless of your feelings, so the children know they can still come to your home and either of their parents can collect them.

You say the children do not understand what is happening other than their dad is moving out, which leads me to believe they are young. Now, that said, even young children are highly attuned to their parents’ thoughts and feelings and will likely pick up on the fact their parents are no longer together. 

It’s not for you to discuss this with them, that is the responsibility of their parents, but be prepared for some questions as they tentatively (or directly) explore the topic with you. Your home can be somewhere they can safely bring their feelings (confusion, sadness, or even anger), and you will listen without judgement and without jumping in to rescue them from difficult feelings.

Instead, think about sitting with them in their feelings and validate what they are thinking and feeling without discussing the breakdown of their parents’ relationship. If they have any questions about their parents’ relationship, you can calmly suggest they ask their parents. This should all be led by the kids and your role is to listen without fixing and not pushing them to talk about it.

It is important you respect whatever agreement their parents have in place around access time, and, while you can do this, acknowledge you will likely have your own thoughts and opinions about what has happened. 

You may have negative thoughts and feelings towards one of their parents. You are allowed to have your own emotional response to what is happening within your family, but you are not allowed to make any statements to this effect around the children; if they are in your home, do not discuss their parents’ actions.

I’m certain you already know this and intend to uphold this boundary but, as matters progress, it will become increasingly difficult not to “take sides”. Ensure you have a safe space that is all yours where you can talk openly about how you feel. This might be a walk with a trusted friend or another family member, for example. This will allow you to exhale some of your own emotional distress so you are better able to stay neutral in front of the children.

The grandparent-grandchild relationship is such an important connection. Focus on keeping your home and time with them about connection and fun. This will be such a gift to them as you all negotiate this new landscape.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]