How to navigate new in-laws and family dynamics

An engagement is a cause for celebration, but it’s also normal for parents to feel a sense of loss. The key is to be supportive while also respecting boundaries

Establishing a strong connection with your new son- or daughter-in-law is central to maintaining positive long-term family relationships. Picture: iStock

You can hardly believe how the years have flown, and now your child has met The One, is engaged, and planning a soon-enough wedding.

You’re happy and excited, of course, but if you’re honest, there’s also a degree of sadness — it feels like you’re losing your child. And a few little niggles of apprehension — the other family seems nice but a bit opinionated, will they take over your child? Will you get a look-in?

Your child’s prospective spouse is standoffish sometimes, too — maybe they don’t like you? And why are they spending so much on the wedding when they don’t even have a house? Should you say something?

It’s a lot to navigate, and really all you want is a good connection with your child-in-law that will augur well for long-term family dynamics. We asked experts to share their tips.

New phase of life

“It’s really a big step away from parents when their adult child commits to a partner and gets married. That relationship now comes first — for parents, it’s about stepping back, allowing the young couple to make their own choices and decisions,” says relationship therapist Bernadette Ryan.

Bernadette Ryan is a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. 

There will naturally be feelings of happiness, she says, but also feelings of loss. “This child who has been in your life 20-odd years is hitching to someone else. There’s a joining with another family.

“Hopefully, your child has found a good life partner but it’s a new phase — parents need to figure out ‘what’s next for us’.”

Invest in the relationship

Divided loyalties and taking sides should have no place in this phase, says Ryan. She points to research suggesting that when a new woman comes into a son’s life, mother-son dynamics can definitely change — more than when a new man comes into a daughter’s life.

“Maybe because if a mother-daughter relationship is good, that continues. But some research suggests that when it comes to sons, the better the mother can get on with the new daughter-in-law, the better will be her relationship with her son. And for the daughter-in-law who gets on well with her mother-in-law, the relationship with her husband is better.”

Be kind

Extend the welcome you’d give your own child to their partner, advises psychotherapist Anne McCormack.

Psychotherapist Anne McCormack says being thoughtful can help build bonds.

“The more you are kind, considerate and welcoming, the more the family system will remain intact and in a healthy state. For example, if your son or daughter-in-law has something going on in their life — work challenge, health issue in the extended family — show consideration. Be thoughtful. Check in with them — ask how they are, how their family member or work situation is.”

Don’t give your opinion too quickly

“You can’t assume your child and their partner will want your opinion about things relevant to their lives,” cautions McCormack.

“Maybe you’ve a strong opinion about how they’re spending money, while saving for a deposit for a house. Or maybe your child’s spouse is going out a lot with their friend group, and you think they should be spending more time with your child. It’s best to keep these opinions to yourself.

“Remember: The relationship you’re developing with your son- or daughter-in-law is in its infancy. You don’t want to do anything that would sabotage it in the early days — you want it to be durable over time.”

Avoid unasked-for advice

“Giving unsought-for advice may inadvertently create pressure — they may feel they should follow your advice — or tension between them: one feels they should follow the advice, while the other feels it should be ignored,” says McCormack.

She says it’s much more helpful to say: “If you ever want advice or to discuss this, let me know — I don’t want to interfere.”

“Be explicit about this so they know you’re interested and available if they want to talk.”

Be honest about why you are offering them financial assistance

“Nowadays, a lot of parents give financial support to children with their wedding or their house,” says Ryan, who recommends parents be honest about any expectations they have arising out of this.

“Are you helping with the wedding because you want to help your son or daughter — or because you feel you’ve a stake in things? Does your support come with strings attached?”

Ryan acknowledges it is tricky, which is why clear communication is important. “You could say ‘we’re giving you X amount of money towards the wedding, but we want to be able to invite some of our friends’. Being honest avoids rows and misunderstandings down the road.”

Be aware of new boundaries

Your child always shared their good news with you immediately. When things were stressful, they always leaned on you for support. McCormack says it’s important to realise things have changed.

“You need to accept you’re no longer the person they’ll lean on in times of crisis. Don’t feel insulted if you don’t hear the news for a while.”

What’s needed, she says, is acceptance that your child has moved out into their own family.

“Otherwise, there could be jealousy, resentment or hurt. And it’s very healthy that the new couple have each other’s backs — that they provide a secure base for each other.”

Avoid comparisons with the other in-laws

“If you notice most weekends they visit the other in-laws and don’t visit you as often, avoid falling into the trap of making comparisons,” says McCormack.

This is because relationships and family systems are complex. “Spending more time with the others could be to do with life’s practicalities — the other in-laws live closer by. Or maybe there’s an expectation from the other in-laws that their son or daughter isn’t able to navigate as well as yours can.”

She recommends simply observing the situation — and maybe inviting your child and their partner over for dinner at some point. “Or suggest meeting for coffee with one or both at a place and time convenient to them. Because there’s no reason why time spent with either set of in-laws should be similar.”

Give the new couple space to figure out their own life

“Let things settle and don’t feel hurt if you don’t hear from them for a while,” says McCormack. “Your child doesn’t owe you a relationship or level of contact that [fits with] what you feel is appropriate. They’re entitled to live life on their terms.”

She says a common trap for parents-in-law is to feel they have to compete with the new partner for their child’s attention. “This can cause even more rigid boundaries between the new couple and you.”

What if you don’t like something about your child’s new partner?

Respect that your child has chosen this person, recommends Ryan.

“Things can look rocky from outside the relationship, and of course, parents want the perfect relationship for their child, but remember this is who your child chose. A different nationality, different religion — realise your son or daughter has chosen them. You’re going to have to accept that if you want them in your life.”

See your new daughter- or son-in-law as a person in their own right

“There will be something they’re passionate about that’s separate from them just being your child’s spouse,” says McCormack. “Maybe they have a big interest in sport, particular books, or travelling to certain places. Ask how that part of their life is going. Have they seen their favourite team play lately? Are they planning to attend a particular match?”

The upside, says McCormack, is that your son- or daughter-in-law may then start to see you as a unique person too, and the relationship becomes more than just about them being the spouse of your son or daughter.