Colman Noctor: A teen’s ability to adapt is more important than having a fully formed life plan

We need to challenge one of the biggest myths we sell to young people — that successful adults always knew exactly what they were doing. Picture: iStock

LEAVING Cert students often tell me that they are subjected to conversations with adults keen to discuss “what’s next” and to offer unsolicited advice about what they think they should do.

Adults tend to talk about ‘what next’ as if life were a straight road that rewards certainty and careful planning. Yet most of us know that life rarely works that way.

This messaging isn’t countered by the tokenistic stories from successful adults that will start to crop up on TV and social media over the summer, in which some well-known person will say, ‘Don’t worry about the Leaving Cert, sure I don’t even remember what I got and look at me now’. 

I can’t help but wonder whether this messaging is less about reassuring the Leaving Cert student and more about the ‘look at me now’ part. Also, I have never heard a sixth-year student say they got any reassurance from such stories.

But we need to challenge one of the biggest myths we sell to young people — that successful adults always knew exactly what they were doing. Most of us didn’t have a clue. Adulthood is rarely linear — it is messy, unpredictable, and full of changes of direction, wrong turns, disappointments, reinventions, and moments of uncertainty.

That isn’t failure; it’s life.

We need to tell young people that what they need most is not certainty but adaptability. The ability to adjust, recover and rethink matters far more than having a perfect life plan at 17 or 18.

Passion v curiosity

Another phrase adults love repeating to young people is: ‘Follow your passion’. It sounds inspiring, but it can also be pressurising. Most teenagers do not wake up with a fully formed sense of purpose or passion, and neither did the adults in their lives at the same life stage.

Purpose is usually discovered gradually through experience and trial and error, and sometimes by getting things completely wrong on the first attempt.

Comedian Chris Rock once joked: “Follow your passion… if they are hiring.” Behind the humour lies an important truth. Passion alone is rarely enough. Life also demands a practical response — we need to work— along with resilience, compromise, patience and a lot of luck.

Instead of pushing teenagers to ‘find their passion’, perhaps we should encourage them to notice their curiosity.

When teenagers come to me unsure of what they want to do, I often ask what they enjoy, what holds their attention, and what feels meaningful, even when it’s difficult.

Those questions are often far more useful than a five-year plan. Even getting them to acknowledge what they definitely ‘do not want to do’ can be a good starting point for the process of elimination. 

And the truth is, the answers will probably change over time. What matters to you at 18 is unlikely to matter at 40. That isn’t inconsistency — it’s growth.

Parents understandably worry when teenagers lack direction or are uncertain. A change of course, a gap year, or uncertainty about careers can quickly trigger panic. We often interpret hesitation as a sign that something has gone wrong.

But detours are not always a problem. Sometimes they are exactly how people grow.

Many of the healthiest and happiest adults I know are not those who got everything right the first time, but those who learned to adapt when life didn’t go to plan.

Honest conversation

Teenagers deserve a more honest conversation about work and success.

Social media has distorted perceptions of success. Young people are surrounded by carefully edited highlight reels showcasing promotions, achievements, and endless positivity.

What they don’t see are the boring commutes, stressful days, financial worries, difficult bosses, or ordinary Tuesdays when nothing exciting happens.

Every job has repetitive, frustrating or draining elements. I love lecturing, but I don’t enjoy marking assignments. I love working independently as a psychotherapist, but I still dread preparing tax returns every year. That’s normal.

But perhaps the most important lesson we can teach young people has nothing to do with careers.

I increasingly believe that long-term wellbeing has less to do with points, money, or status than with human connection. The people who support, understand, and stay with us through difficult periods matter more than almost anything else. 

Or, as Belgian psychotherapist Esther Perel famously said: “The quality of your life is a direct reflection of the quality of your relationships.”

Modern life often undermines genuine connection. We are more digitally connected than ever, yet many people feel profoundly lonely. Teenagers and young adults may mistake constant communication for meaningful connection.

Real relationships, like careers, are rarely perfect. They involve awkward conversations, effort, vulnerability, and showing up for one another, even when you don’t feel like it.

As parents, we can become so focused on achievement that we inadvertently place less value on kindness, empathy and emotional openness, the pillars of good human connections. 

We celebrate grades and trophies with enthusiasm, but the qualities that often matter more in the long run get far less airtime, especially around exam time.

When life becomes difficult, as it eventually does for everyone, it will be our relationships that carry us through.

One of the healthiest messages we can share with young people is this: You don’t have to face life alone. Teach them to ask for help when they need it. Teach them to support others, too. Being needed is not a burden — it’s one of the greatest privileges of being human.

For those preparing to start college, it’s worth remembering that some of the most important aspects of higher education are never set out in a prospectus.

College is not just about qualifications. It is about learning to organise yourself, recover from setbacks, live with others, cope with loneliness, and become independent. These experiences are not distractions from education. In many ways, they are the true education.

Learn to tolerate uncertainty

Teenagers also need reassurance that uncertainty doesn’t vanish once they become adults. Many young people assume adults have everything figured out. We don’t. Most adults are still improvising their way through life far more than they’d ever admit.

The goal, then, shouldn’t be certainty but flexibility.

Learning to tolerate uncertainty is far more valuable than trying to avoid it altogether, and maybe that’s something parents also need to hear.

Teenagers today are growing up in a pressured world. Pressure to succeed academically, socially, financially and emotionally. They are expected to make major life decisions while still figuring themselves out. It is no wonder so many feel overwhelmed.

Perhaps our role as parents is not to remove uncertainty from their lives, but to help them build confidence in their ability to cope with it when it arises. Taking this approach means resisting the urge to control every decision and allowing mistakes to happen without catastrophising them.

Remind young people that a single exam, course, or setback does not define them. Life is rarely shaped by a single dramatic decision. More often, it is shaped by thousands of smaller choices made over time.

But having choices is the main perk of adulthood, and some choices are no-brainers when it comes to ‘getting it right’. I repeatedly tell teenagers to ‘choose to show up, choose to be kind, and choose what is right instead of what is easy’. 

In sporting terms, these are ‘no-talent moments’ that require no expertise, just good character.

The beautiful thing about adulthood is not that you suddenly have all the answers. It’s that you have the freedom to keep changing, growing and reshaping your path.

Teenagers need to hear this because many are terrified of making mistakes. But life is not ruined by wrong turns. Often, life is built on them.

A meaningful life rarely results from a perfectly executed plan. Instead, it comes from staying open to experiences, staying connected to people, and continuing to move forward even when things feel uncertain.

So if you are talking to a Leaving Cert student this year, maybe exercise more curiosity about their interests and be more honest about your own experience. 

They don’t need to know what they want to do — the future is not a fixed plan but an unknown adventure.