Colman Noctor: You cannot make your child study by pushing them 

You can offer support, remove distractions, and even impose consequences, but the decision to sit down, focus, and apply themselves rests solely with them

Teenagers often lack the maturity to plan ahead and foresee consequences, but most reach their destination in their own time. Picture: iStock

Most parents will be familiar with the frustration of watching their child refuse to do something that is in their best interests. The most common example is a teenager who won’t study for State exams. You’ve encouraged them, warned them, negotiated with them, and even argued with them. Yet the books remain closed, the notes untouched, and the urgency that is so obvious to you is absent in them.

Parents struggle to accept their limited influence over a child who is at risk of missing out on an opportunity by not utilising their potential, and fear that, years later, they will look back and wish they had done things differently. 

But here is the difficult truth: You cannot make a young person study. You can create conditions, offer support, remove distractions, provide structure, and even impose consequences. 

But the decision to sit down, focus, and apply themselves rests solely with them. And when we try to take ownership of something we cannot control, frustration is inevitable.

At this point in the academic year, with only a couple of weeks until the State exams, many parents face a stark reality. Despite trying all the above strategies, ideal exam preparation has passed, by and continuing to measure your child against what they could have been doing since September, or even January, will only heighten tension.

A shift in perspective is required. Instead of saying, “Well, I told you all along what you should have been doing”, it may be more helpful to ask, “What is possible from here?” While you cannot rewind time, you can influence the time that remains.

Encouragement matters more than instruction, and presence matters more than pressure.

A young person who already feels behind is unlikely to respond well to daily panicked reminders. In fact, the more we emphasise the gap between where they are and where we think they should be, the more likely they are to disengage. Avoidance is a natural response to feeling overwhelmed or judged.

Support for a struggling student doesn’t mean lowering expectations entirely, but it does mean adjusting how those expectations are communicated. It’s best to take small, achievable steps, which are far more effective than grand plans at this stage. 

Even a couple of focused hours — one topic revised, or one exam paper attempted, however modest — is still progress. When this effort is acknowledged, it becomes more likely to be repeated.

Whether we like it or not, adolescence has changed. Young people today have had fewer opportunities for independence. Their lives are often more structured, more supervised, and, paradoxically, more sheltered.

Add to this the disruption to their development caused by covid lockdowns, and it becomes easier to understand why some teenagers, especially those in Junior Cert, seem less equipped to conceptualise long-term goals, such as exam preparation.

Then, there is the role of screens. The modern adolescent brain is navigating a world of constant stimulation, fragmented attention, and immediate reward. The slow, effortful process of studying — with gratification delayed and results uncertain — competes with an environment designed to capture and hold attention with minimal effort.

In that context, what appears to be laziness is often more about difficulty focusing, a low tolerance for boredom, and an underdeveloped capacity for self-regulation.

Underpinning all of this is an obvious developmental fact that teenagers are not adults. They do not yet have the same capacity for foresight, perspective, or consequence-based decision-making. The part of the brain responsible for planning and impulse control continues to develop well into the 20s. While it may feel entirely reasonable to expect them to recognise the importance of State exams, their ability to consistently act on that recognition is still a work in progress.

Many parents get stuck in trying to apply adult logic to adolescent behaviour. Just because you can see the bigger picture does not mean they can.

Teenagers are much more influenced by how they feel in the moment. And when we forget this right-now mindset, frustration escalates. We interpret their behaviour as defiance or indifference, when, in reality, it may reflect something far less intentional — immaturity.

Acknowledging their immaturity doesn’t mean lowering all expectations or abandoning boundaries. It simply means adjusting those expectations to match your child’s developmental stage, not where you wish they were.

This process also requires a degree of letting go: Letting go of the idea that you can steer this outcome, the belief that this moment defines their future, and the fear that if they don’t do well now, their future is doomed. Because it isn’t.

Very few of us fully “live up to our potential”. Not because we fail, but because potential is an ever-moving target.

Life is not a straight line, from effort to outcome. It is far more unpredictable, far more forgiving, and far more expansive than exam results alone suggest.

Young people progress in many different ways. Some take the direct route, while others meander. Some mature early, while others take much longer. But the vast majority I have met get there eventually, not because everything went perfectly, but because their growth continued into early adulthood.

Your child may not be where you hoped they would be right now. But that does not mean they will remain there for ever; they will catch up.

They will develop insight, discipline, and motivation, but these cannot be forced or rushed. In the meantime, your role is less about control and more about connection.

When tension around study becomes the dominant feature of your relationship, it can overshadow everything else. Conversations become transactional, and interactions become strained. If your child senses this, they will withdraw further, not just from study, but from you. Protecting the relationship matters more than protecting the outcome, because long after the exams are over, the relationship remains.

So, choose your moments carefully and resist the urge to raise the topic of study every time you get the opportunity. Offer help without insisting. Acknowledge effort, even when it falls short of what you would like, and even allow some natural consequences of underperformance rather than try to shield them from every possible disappointment.

Despite knowing the theory, I can attest, from my experience as a parent, that none of this is easy. It requires restraint, patience, and a willingness to tolerate uncertainty, which is even more challenging when we care deeply about our child’s future.

However, there is something liberating about accepting what is within your control and what is not, including the fact you cannot make your child study, no matter how much you intervene.

Focus, instead, on making your home a safe place. You can offer calm where there might otherwise be conflict, and provide encouragement rather than blame and shame.

Perhaps, most importantly, hold onto a sense of perspective. Remind yourself regularly that they will be OK. Maybe not in the exact way you imagined or on the exact timeline you hoped for, but OK nonetheless.

Because growing up is not defined by a set of exams. It is shaped by experience, setbacks, relationships, and time.

And remember that for young people, time, above all things, is on their side.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist