Joanna Fortune: What is the best way to introduce a new partner to my children?

Don’t just focus on what you will say to your children, focus on listening to them and allowing them to share and express their thoughts, worries, or excitement

While there isn’t a perfect way to talk to your children about your new relationship, there are some points to consider when planning for this. Picture: iStock 

I’m a single parent of two young children. They usually spend every weekend with their dad, which gives me a much-needed break and time to socialise. About six months ago, I met a great guy who is also divorced and has teenage children. There’s no talk of moving in together but I’ve been thinking about introducing him to my kids. Is there a right way to approach this or should I wait until they are older?

It’s great that you have met someone who makes you so happy. While there isn’t a perfect way to talk to your children about your new relationship, there are some points to consider when planning for this.

Be sure (as much as anyone can be) that this is a serious relationship and that this is someone who will become part of your children’s lives before you introduce them. I think you could consider waiting three to six months. This waiting time allows them more time to adjust to the change in their existing family structure before meeting someone new, and helps to avoid confusion. It also ensures you know the relationship is stable before bringing someone new into their lives.

Do a gradual introduction by mentioning you have been spending more time with someone, and you have fun with this person. Then move towards telling them you are in a relationship together and will be spending more time with him. Then ask them if they would like to meet him. The first meeting should be quite brief, low-demand, centred around an activity to make it less intense, and in a neutral space, so not their home.

I always advocate being open and honest with children but in a developmentally appropriate way. So say you are in a relationship but keep other details minimal, so they do not become overwhelmed.

Just as you are considering how and when you might tell your children you are in a new relationship, you might want to consider how and when you share this news with your ex-partner. This depends on the nature of your communication and co-parenting dynamic but, if possible, tell your ex-partner you will be introducing a new partner to the children, as he can also support them through the transition.

Don’t just focus on what you will say to your children, focus even more on listening to them and allowing them to share and express their thoughts, worries, or excitement. If they are initially angry or upset, remind them (and yourself) all feelings are valid and welcome and you can take it as slowly as they need. You do not need their permission to date someone new but, if they are not ready to meet this person, slow it down and revisit the subject in a few months.

I imagine that you will also be introduced to your partner’s teenage children at some point. You may want to consider whether you will bring your respective children together, and this will also need careful planning.

Do not seek to force a bond between your children and your new partner but allow their connection to grow and develop over time at their own pace.

Enjoy your relationship, trust that you will know when it’s the right time to introduce your new partner to your children, and don’t rush it.

You might find this podcast episode helpful, Blending your blended family.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail].