Colman Noctor: Finding the right words to talk to your child about pornography

Ultimately, these conversations are less about sex and more about the trust you have in your child and they have in you, writes Colman Noctor 

Children’s exposure to pornography is inevitable, so parents should soften the shock by beginning a conversation about it from a young age. This should just be the first of many talks tailored to a growing child’s needs. Picture: iStock

Last week, I wrote about the dangers of young people viewing pornography online, coinciding with news that Elon Musk’s AI chatbot Grok is being used to nudify images. Since then, parents have asked me for guidance on how to talk to their children and teenagers about exposure to pornography.

Children often encounter pornography long before they are ready to understand it. That’s an uncomfortable truth for parents. Viewing of pornography is no longer confined to late adolescence or adulthood, as it was for previous generations. 

Many children first encounter sexualised content accidentally, through a friend’s phone, a pop-up ad, or a social-media link. Like it or not, pornography has become part of the landscape in which our children are growing up.

Many parents’ instinct is to avoid the topic. They hope it won’t happen to their child, or they reassure themselves that schools are addressing it through RSE and SPHE. 

However, the most protective factor a child has is not a school module, a filter, or an app, but an open, ongoing relationship with their parents that allows healthy counter-narratives to be discussed.

Some parents worry their primary school-aged child is too young for these conversations. But this isn’t about providing unnecessary information; it’s about helping children make sense of what they may already have seen.

There is no single conversation with a script. Like many parenting challenges, it requires ongoing discussions that become more detailed and nuanced as children get older.

The two main questions parents have asked me are: What age should I start talking to my child and what should I say?

My response is: Start early, speak simply. These conversations can begin as early as four years old.

While talking to a four-year-old about pornography may sound extreme, any child with access to a smart device, or to their peers who have one, is at risk of encountering adult content.

Research by Rachel de Souza, the children’s commissioner for England, found that exposure to pornography has increased since 2023, with more than a quarter (27%) of the participants of the survey saying they had seen porn online by age 11. Some even said they were ‘aged six or younger’ when first exposed to adult content.

With this research in mind, I will detail advice you can give to children from age four upwards.

Ages four to six

The focus is purely on safety. You can give them a simple safety rule of ‘Stop, Close, and Tell’.

You might say something like, ‘If you ever see a picture on a screen that makes you feel confused, yucky, or worried, close it if you can, and tell a grown-up you trust.’

Ages seven to nine

Exposure is usually accidental for this age group. If it happens, children often feel confused or frightened, but typically lack the language to explain it. At this stage, the conversation isn’t about sex. It’s about bodies, boundaries, and honesty.

You might say something like, ‘Sometimes, pictures or videos pop up online that are meant for adults. If you ever see anything like that, or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or confused, you can always tell me. You won’t be in trouble.’

The key message here is safety. Children need to know they are not at fault for viewing this content, and they will never be punished for speaking to you about it. If they do tell you something, praise their honesty. Encouraging openness early builds trust you will rely on later.

Keep explanations brief and avoid graphic detail. You might add: 

Some images show bodies in ways that aren’t meant for children to see, and they don’t show real relationships.

For this age group, it is important to explain real or healthy relationships in terms of care, respect, and kindness, not sexual behaviour.

You could say something like: ‘A healthy intimate relationship is when two grown-ups care about each other and treat each other kindly’; or, ‘A relationship isn’t healthy if someone is mean, ignores the word ‘no,’ or makes the other person feel scared or bad about themselves.’

It is also an opportunity to introduce privacy and consent. Remind the child that, ‘Your body is your own, and no one should touch you or ask for pictures that make you uncomfortable.’

Ages 10 to 12

At the pre-teen stage, curiosity increases and many children first hear the word ‘porn’, usually from peers. They may even ask questions. I remember one of my children, at age 10, asked me what ‘69’ meant, after overhearing a conversation at school. I was taken aback and was tempted to sidestep the question, but I decided to answer it as best I could. Silence at this age is risky: If we don’t explain, children fill the gaps with misinformation.

A useful starting point with pre-teens is to ask what they already know: ‘You might hear people talking about porn at school. Do you know what they mean?’ This approach helps you gauge their understanding without making assumptions. You can then explain that pornography isn’t educational by saying something like, ‘Porn is made for adults to watch. It doesn’t explain what relationships or sex are really like.’

You can also introduce the emotional impact of pornography by saying, ‘Some people feel upset or confused after seeing those images, even when they don’t expect to.’

Reassure your child that curiosity is normal, while reinforcing that not everything online is helpful or healthy.

Ages 13 to 15

For early teens, it’s best to assume exposure has already occurred. Research consistently shows that many teenagers encounter pornography by this age. The conversation requires calm honesty, not panic or moralising, which will only shut communication down.

You might begin this conversation by saying: ‘A lot of teenagers come across porn online, whether they want to or not. Have you or your friends ever seen anything like that?’

Even if they claim to have never seen such content, you can use this as an opportunity to clearly distinguish pornography from real relationships by saying, ‘Porn is a movie, not a documentary. It doesn’t show real intimacy, communication, or respect. It often leaves out consent, feelings, and consequences.’

Most young people will cringe when you bring this up, but don’t be deterred, as acknowledging awkwardness helps: ‘I know this can be embarrassing to talk about, but I’d rather you hear this from me than from the internet.’ You could also discuss peer pressure: ‘Some people pretend they’re comfortable with porn because they think they’re supposed to be, but many aren’t.’

During these conversations, try to focus on values rather than rules. This isn’t about banning curiosity; it’s about encouraging critical thinking.

Ages 16 to 18

Many parents assume their mid- to late-teenagers already know everything. That’s a mistake. Regardless of how much they know about the pornography industry, there’s value in reinforcing the three Rs — respect, responsibility, and reality.

Older teenagers are forming their own values and may see parental concerns as outdated. In light of this, it is important to shift the conversation from guidance to dialogue. You can do this by saying, ‘You’re old enough to make up your own mind. I’m curious how you see porn and whether you think it affects people.’

This approach encourages reflection rather than defensiveness. These conversations can include discussions about performance versus reality, how repeated exposure shapes expectations, and how it can affect self-image and confidence.

Consent should be discussed clearly by highlighting that, ‘Porn often skips over consent, but in real life consent is ongoing, mutual, and essential.’

Tell them that attraction and sexuality aren’t shameful, but they do come with responsibility. Explain that feeling attraction, curiosity, or having questions about bodies and relationships are a normal part of growing up. 

These feelings are not bad, dirty, or something to be embarrassed about. 

At the same time, attraction and sexuality come with responsibility, because they involve other people, emotions, and safety. Responsibility means understanding boundaries — both your own and others. It means knowing that no one is ever owed attention, affection, or physical closeness, and that everyone has the right to say no and be respected.

What matters most isn’t having the perfect words, but creating an atmosphere where questions are welcome. Children who feel judged simply stop talking.

If you get it wrong, and you mostly will, it’s OK to say, ‘I didn’t handle that very well. Can we try again?’ This honesty, in itself, can model emotional maturity.

I accept that the thought of having a conversation about pornography can feel overwhelming, but remember that it is here to stay. Filters fail, friends share links, and curiosity is natural. Our job isn’t to control every click, but to help our children develop the emotional literacy to understand what they see.

Ultimately, these conversations are less about sex and more about the trust you have in your child and they have in you. This trust, built gradually over the years, remains the most protective factor we can give children, as it equips them with the internal safeguards of self-awareness and reflection, and positions you as a point of support if things go wrong in their complex digital world.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist