Joanna Fortune: My mother-in-law disagrees with my relaxed parenting approach, is she right?

Your mother-in-law’s firm ideas about how children should be raised suggest a pattern of observation and unsolicited feedback.

My mother-in-law has very firm ideas about how children should be raised. She often boasts how she used to have her children in bed by 7pm every evening, including the weekends. I’ve a more relaxed approach to parenting and have no fixed bedtime but aim for 9pm. She thinks this is far too late and mentions it every time she visits. My primary school children are getting between 10 and 11 hours of sleep a night. Is this enough?

Broadly speaking, pre-schoolers should get ten to 13 hours of sleep per night, and school-aged children need nine to 12 hours of sleep. So, if your children get between ten and 11 hours of sleep, it may well be enough.

The best guideline is to watch how they are in the mornings. Do they wake rested and have enough energy to motor through their busy, active days?

If you are happy with how their bedtime is working and your children are happy, and have plenty of energy to get through the day, then what you are doing is working.

Your mother-in-law’s firm ideas about how children should be raised suggest a pattern of observation and unsolicited feedback.

I give the person who offers unasked-for advice the benefit of the doubt, and take the position that their input, even when misguided and clumsily delivered, comes from good intentions.

I presume your mother-in-law loves your children and wants what is best for them, albeit as she defines what is ‘best’. If this is the case, approach the situation in a gentle, yet firm, way that is kind and respectful, but with boundaries. This stance helps avoid tensions and disharmony and ensures she remains positively involved in your children’s lives.

Respond by politely, yet firmly, saying something like, ‘I know your advice is well-intended, but please allow us to parent our children as we know best.’

In response to her, perhaps pointed, reflections on how well she parented her own children, you could reply, ‘Is that so?’

The tone is everything here; you want to sound calm and curious, not sarcastic.

You might reflect on the topic in a way that seeks to close it: ‘Isn’t it interesting all of the changes to parenting approaches across different generations? Our approach is working well for us.’

If this is a bigger issue or the matter persists,it might be best to see her over a cup of tea and say that while you know she means well and is an important person in your lives, you are asking that she respect your boundaries and parenting choices.

Also, check how she would have wanted her own mother-in-law to support her parenting choices.

Be curious, not condescending; again, pay attention to your tone. (Do not have this conversation when you feel irritated.)

Tell her you appreciate her experience and wisdom and love knowing that you can ask her for advice when you need it.

In general, it’s best to treat her criticisms as though they were advice and respond respectfully, but firmly, in stating and holding your boundaries.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]