Joanna Fortune: How can I help my five-year-old get over Granny's death?

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My lovely grandmother died last year. She lived nearby, so I often called in with my children. She was always kind and warm despite being frail. My youngest daughter, aged five, is finding it difficult to come to terms with her death and gets tearful whenever we mention her name. What would you suggest?

Grandmothers can be very special people in our lives, and it sounds like this is the case for you and your children. It’s wonderful that you enjoyed such a close connection with her, but of course, her death is a significant loss for you and your children.

Your five-year-old is still developing her understanding of death and does not yet fully grasp the permanence of it. Children this age can expect the person to return or at least hope they will. As time passes and she continues to develop, so too does her understanding of loss. She will gradually understand that your grandmother, this kind and warm lady she visited regularly, is not coming back. In the meantime, you can expect her grief to return in waves over time.

We need to be aware of how we speak about death with young children. Avoid abstract or vague language such as ‘we lost granny’ or ‘granny has passed’. Instead, talk factually yet sensitively about her death using clear, unambiguous language. Using a gentle, soft tone of voice, explain how Granny died. This means that her heart stopped beating, her lungs stopped breathing, and her life ended. And when someone dies, they do not come back to life.

Beyond sensitively stating the facts, how you speak about death is dependent on your religious and spiritual beliefs and this will frame and inform how you discuss it.

Your daughter’s ability to articulate the complex emotions surrounding grief is still underdeveloped, so she may well rely on behaviour to convey how she is feeling. So stay attuned to any changes or regressions in her behaviour and respond with curiosity and empathy. Help her find ways to express her grief and sadness. Let her know that it is OK to cry when she thinks of your granny—her tears are just her way of expressing her love for her.

Tell stories about times you spent with her, share stories from when your granny was younger and gently reflect that she had a lovely and long life. Include funny stories because laughter is a great balm when grieving.

Consider making a memory board. It would require a cork message board and some board pins, gathering lots of photos, and even having each family member draw some of your memories on a sheet of paper and stick them to the notice board. You can then hang it somewhere that she can see it when she wants to rather than all the time — for example, the inside of a cupboard or wardrobe door.

I suggest you buy the book The Invisible String by Patrice Karst and use the concept of how our hearts are always connected by an invisible string, even when someone’s life has ended, and our memories of that person live with us in our hearts. Also, The Memory Tree by Britta Teckentrup is a beautiful book that helps children understand death in a more positive way.

• I have an episode of children’s grief process on my 15-Minute Parenting podcast that might also be helpful: exa.mn/childhood-grief
• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]