Joanna Fortune: How to manage a child's tantrums and meltdowns

And what is a good age for a reward chart?

Dr Joanna Fortune: "Tantrums and meltdowns are different, though the terms are often used interchangeably. A tantrum is behavioural and is, as outlined above, developmentally normal in a child this age. A meltdown is when a child is so overwhelmed sensorily that they cannot self-regulate or even be co-regulated by their caregiver"

I'm finding my three-year-old son challenging to manage. He often has meltdowns and lashes out at me or his older sister. I've tried 'time out' in his room for 10 minutes but it only makes things worse. I recently introduced a rewards chart but he couldn't care less. What else can I do?

Three-year-olds having tantrums and flashes of temper, even this kind of volcanic eruptive temper, is developmentally normal, albeit challenging for parents. Children this age often have low frustration thresholds and poor impulse control. Add that they are striving for more independence, seeking to assert themselves, and having things on their terms, and you have the perfect combination of variables leading to tantrums. 

Tantrums and meltdowns are different, though the terms are often used interchangeably. A tantrum is behavioural and is, as outlined above, developmentally normal in a child this age. A meltdown is when a child is so overwhelmed sensorily that they cannot self-regulate or even be co-regulated by their caregiver. With a meltdown, our job is to stay as calm as possible so our children can be calmed. 

Provide space and time and make sure you stay physically and emotionally available. Do not scold or seek to direct behaviour until this meltdown passes and your child can avail of your comfort. Consider contacting your public health nurse for additional support and advice if he has frequent meltdowns.

Dr Joanna Fortune: "Instead of a time-out, try a time-in, which requires that you separate him from whatever is happening and stay with him so that he calms with you"

In the case of a tantrum, certain interventions are effective while others are not.

A time-out (when a child is separated from the action and others and directed to sit in a designated area until they are calm and can apologise) calls upon a three-year-old to self-regulate, reflect on their behaviour and then make repairs. This is beyond the developmental scope of what we expect from children this age. Children under seven do not self-regulate their emotions; they are co-regulated by their available caregivers. They are calm because we calm them down. 

Instead, try a time-in, which requires that you separate him from whatever is happening and stay with him so that he calms with you. It can also be helpful to change his field of vision by going outdoors and running or kicking a ball or simply staying close and looking out of a window together, naming what you can see, hear, smell, etc.

Your reward chart concept is too abstract for a child this age and requires more advanced cause/effect thinking than he has. If you want him to earn stickers, give him a sticker to stick on his door or scrapbook. However, playful distraction and redirection are more effective ways to change his behaviour.  Behavioural correction happens within the emotional connection.

Take his hands in yours, either swaying them lightly or rubbing circles on the back of his hand with your thumb as you come to his eye level. Say a gentle yet firm 'No' and then redirect him to what he should be doing while you stay with him until he is re-engaged.

My podcast episode on discipline may be of interest as well: exa.mn/15-Mins-Discipline

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]