Joanna Fortune: My seven-year-old daughter dreads returning to school

Being shy and unhappy are two different things

Responding to the underpinning physical and emotional state before we react to overt behaviour will usually deliver quicker and more favourable outcomes for all. Picture: iStock 

Q: My seven-year-old is unhappy at school and dreads returning after the holidays. She has always been shy and is very attached to me. What can I do to make the transition easier for her?

A: I want to start with a question: Why is she so unhappy at school? The answer to this question in many ways addresses her behaviour and your need to support her through the transition back to school after the holidays.

Sometimes, we forget that overt behaviour, or what we do and say, is underpinned by a physical and emotional state.

Very often children act out because they are hungry, thirsty, tired, or unwell (underpinning physical state) or because we have been asking too much of them and they are overwhelmed and have had enough (underpinning emotional state). Responding to the underpinning physical and emotional state before we react to overt behaviour will usually deliver quicker and more favourable outcomes for all.

You may well know what is causing your daughter’s unhappiness at school but if it is lingering, increasing, and causing her this level of distress, I would strongly advise you to link in with her school (even if you have done so previously) and perhaps consider getting her referred to a play-based psychotherapist in your area (her school may have access to one, your GP can refer you, or you can self-refer if going privately).

Being shy and being unhappy are two different things.

I would like her unhappiness to be explored and addressed while she is still this age rather than letting it continue and taint her school experience going forward or cause her any further distress.

That said, here are some steps you can take to help her manage the transition back to school after the break:

• Keep some semblance of regular routine over the second week of Christmas break in terms of getting up and dressed and leaving the house to go for a walk/an activity;
• Connect with a classmate or two with whom she could meet and play for a while before going back to school to maintain peer connections and familiarity;
• Play a lot over the break and blend imaginative or make-believe play with structured play such as board games and plenty of outdoor time. Build in waves of high, moderate, and low-level activity;
• Talk with her ahead of going back to school. Let her know you appreciate how difficult it can be for her and that you would like to work together to make it easier. Invite her ideas;
• Give her a small photo keyring that she can attach to her school bag or keep in her pocket with a photo of the two of you when she needs to see you;
• Give her a hankie with your perfume on it. When she needs to feel close to you, she can smell it.

Ideas like this are simple yet can be very effective and I hope this helps.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]