Joanna Fortune: My grandson doesn't talk to adults in daycare  

'It would be worth it for his parents to connect with his care team to see how they experience him and observe and understand his behaviour and interactions with others.' Picture: iStock

My grandson is in daycare in Australia. He never speaks to the adults or answers them when asked a question. His friends usually answer for him. He doesn’t get upset or cry when going to daycare. When he’s at home, he’s a bright, happy boy. What would you suggest?

It must be difficult to be worried about a family member, particularly when you are living so far away. You don’t mention how old your grandson is, but I am guessing he is a toddler, as you only mention daycare.

At this age, he is still developing his full capacity for language and verbal expression. It is not unusual for children in his age group to behave in seemingly contradictory ways when in different places. 

In your grandson’s case, he is quiet at daycare but happy and chatty at home. Home is his safe and secure base — it is where he feels happiest and most relaxed.

His decision not to speak at daycare does not mean he is unhappy.

It may mean he is still building connections and relationships with the adults and other children there.

And just because he doesn’t get upset or cry going into daycare doesn’t mean that he may not be holding some worry or anxiety about separating from his parents.

I’m not sure how long he has attended the daycare centre, but it would be worth it for his parents to connect with his care team to see how they experience him and observe and understand his behaviour and interactions with others.

The team members can encourage him to speak, but he should never be forced or coerced (or incentivised with rewards) to speak. He will talk when he feels comfortable and ready to do so.

The longer version of your letter refers to his parents having taken him to a psychologist previously, and it may be helpful to return to this person (or seek an alternative referral if that didn’t work out).

Another option is to consult with a paediatric speech and language therapist to explore if his not speaking in daycare might be presenting as a form of selective mutism.

Selective mutism is a type of anxiety-based condition that manifests in a child who can and does speak at home but selects not to speak in other environments.

Three or four years old can be a common age for signs of this condition to emerge, though it can often be when children start at school that not speaking outside of home becomes more apparent.

Such children are often polite and mild of manner, even appearing overtly calm, so their not talking can be misinterpreted as a shyness that will pass as they get older and more used to being away from their parents.

Toddlers communicate effectively in non-verbal ways. I would encourage the adults in your grandson’s life to spend time playing with him daily, as play is the language of children and a great way to connect and communicate with him.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]