Joanna Fortune: My baby grandson is too attached to his mother

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I'm worried about my 18-month-old grandson, who is very attached to his mother. 

Whenever she leaves the room, he starts crying and making a fuss.  He always wants to be in her arms, which must be exhausting. 

I suggested getting a playpen for the kitchen so he could play safely and watch her work but she ruled this out, saying she doesn't believe in confining children. I've decided to stop giving advice, but seeing him always get his way is difficult.  

I can hear your genuine concern and desire to help and support your grandchild and his mother in how you have worded your letter. I can also hear how frustrating it can be when you offer well-meaning advice that is rejected. Sometimes, when someone is overwhelmed or stressed out, even a genuine offer of help can be perceived as a judgement. This is why the most effective way to support your grandchild is first to support his parents. Ask his mother what you can do to help. This might be an offer to put a load of laundry on or cook a dinner so she can sit with her young toddler and meet his needs. It may even extend to an offer of an evening (or daytime) babysitting so that both parents can spend time connecting with each other.

Your grandson is at a tricky age developmentally. It is normal and healthy for him to seek out his mother and even demand her full attention and focus. It will feel safe, comforting and soothing to be up in her arms, pressed against her body. He is still developing his independence and as such relies on his caregivers to meet his needs. He may also be teething, a phase when children experience sensory dysregulation and appear more demanding when seeking comfort from their safe attachment figures.

You say it is difficult to see him always get his way, but keep in mind that a child of 18 months has not yet developed the capacity to be reasoned with or cause-and-effect thinking. At this age, they only know how to demand their needs are met and tend not to respond well to any suggestion that they should have impulse control or a capacity for delayed gratification. This is why they seek, then demand or protest to ensure their caregivers respond to their demands. It is a survival technique and a highly effective one at that.

It sounds like his mother is doing her best and the kindest and most supportive thing anyone could do is tell her that. Offer your support in practical ways that do not require any thanks. These acts of kindness let parents know that they are not alone in what is an intense and demanding stage of parenting. Your grandson will thrive within an attachment network which works collaboratively to support his growth and development.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]