Joanna Fortune: Our teenage daughter is breaking all the rules 

Is she setting a bad example for her siblings?

One of the most challenging stages of our parenting journey is negotiating the teenage years. Picture: iStock

Our 15-year-old is refusing to listen to us. We had clear ground rules about homework, phone use, and lights out at night but she is ignoring them all. We’ve tried to reason with her but she shrugs and says all her friends can do what they like. She is the eldest of three, and I’m worried about the bad example she is giving to her siblings.

One of the most challenging stages of our parenting journey is negotiating the teenage years. This is just as hard on our teenagers as it is on parents and it might be helpful to hold this in mind. I always think of this stage of development as a second bite of the developmental apple because in toddlerhood it’s our task to develop boundaries and set limits for our children. It’s their task to push against those boundaries and seek to defy the limits. The toddler stage can be challenging but it is also developmentally normal.

In adolescence, our teenagers are pulling away from us, leaning further into their peer group and the outside world. This is part of their journey towards autonomy and setting themselves apart from their parents. Overt defiance or perhaps patterns of oppositional behaviour are developmentally normal at this stage.

A number of behavioural changes occur quickly in adolescence, one of which is that our teenagers believe they have left the age of command (do as you are told) and have entered an age of consent (let’s talk about it). So yes, you have set specific rules and expectations and she now believes compliance is (somewhat) up to her.

On this point, try to pick your battles so that you are not always at loggerheads. Reflect on your parental essentials — those red-line non-negotiable expectations you will have — versus what your parental preferences are (what you would really like her to do but are not essential).

Be prepared to hold the essentials in a gentle yet firm way and to be flexible on your preferences.

Protecting our relationship, keeping the lines of communication open, and investing in relational connection as a route to behavioural correction are all critical during the teenage years.

Think about what isn’t working, where you can be flexible and what small changes would help you all at this time. Then when driving or out for a walk, calmly say that the rules about homework and phone use you had agreed upon don’t seem to be working, so you’d like to explore a new agreement around these issues with her. Know where you can give in a bit without compromising what needs to be done.

You say you are worried about her influence over her siblings. But it is not her job to positively influence her siblings at this age, though it would be lovely if she did.

The developmental tasks of adolescence are all-consuming and challenging enough without being held responsible for siblings’ behaviour too.

You and your daughter are learning at this stage, and as she grows and develops, so must your parenting.

My book 15-Minute Parenting the Teenage Years and podcast episode on the five adjustments in adolescent development — exa.mn/15-Minute-teenagers — may be helpful.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune please send it to [e-mail]