Joanna Fortune: We argue about the amount of screen time for our children 

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My husband calls himself a geek and spends a lot of his downtime gaming or online. I’m more of an outdoors person — I love gardening and walking. It didn’t bother me until our children came along. He sees no need to limit their screen time, while I want to introduce a two-hour limit. It’s causing a lot of tension at home. What would you suggest?

There will always be times when we are not in full agreement about an issue and having an open, respectful conversation based on facts, beliefs, and fears could stop these differences from becoming bigger rows or deal breakers.

When you find yourself parenting on different pages, it helps to establish a structure about how you will discuss the matter.

Let me give you an example of what this could look like. Suppose one of you expresses a strong opinion about the children or parenting (including education, religion, culture, extra-curricular activities, including screen time and gaming).

In that case, the other will catch it and say: “Oh wait, I need a moment with that; it’s not sitting well with me. Let’s pause this one and come back to later when we have the time and space to think and talk about it.”

When you return to the discussion, sit and speak using ‘I’ statements: ‘I think’, ‘I believe’, ‘I know’, ‘I worry that’.

But if the conversation becomes heated, decide who will speak first (flip a coin) and give each other five uninterrupted minutes to discuss the matter.

Note where you are aligned and misaligned. Acknowledge what is a parenting preference and a parenting essential for you. For example, your preference might be no shoes allowed on the sofa, but an essential is the child must take their asthma inhalers at set times each day. Be prepared to compromise on your preferences and name your essentials.

State what you know (fact) what you believe (grew up with), and what you fear (why is it an issue for you). Reflect back to each other what you have heard so that you can consider the exchange from the perspective of the other. This can help remove the tension from the debate and increase acceptance and empathy.

If the issue is too emotive to resolve in one sitting, park the discussion after an hour and agree to revisit it. Try to watch a TV show or have a cup of tea and general chat to focus on your connection with each other. The one thing you have in common is your love for and commitment to the best interests of your children.

Always come back to that. If this isn’t the case, you will likely need the support of a couples counsellor or mediator.

By creating a space to have uncomfortable discussions comfortably, the goal is not to reach an agreement — a bonus if you do —but to open up greater understanding and develop a plan of action. It’s about compromise through the lens of compassion and knowing that, regardless of the issue, you are making the decision together.

• I have a podcast on this topic that you might find helpful exa.mn/15-minutes-different-pages
• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]