Joanna Fortune: My three-year-old only wants to play with his older brother's toys 

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Joanna Fortune

CHILD PSYCHOTHERAPIST

My three-year-old insists on playing with his older brother’s toys, sometimes sneaking into his room when he’s at school. It’s a source of great tension between the two and they argue about it a lot. I’ve told him to stop and tried to distract him with his toys but he won’t listen. What else can I do?

You don’t say how old your other child is but he is likely a few years older. What you are describing is a classic sibling dynamic. Your younger son is intrigued by his older brother and wants to be like him, hence his toys are much more appealing than his own. And isn’t he smart to realise that his older brother’s school schedule is the best time to access his toys? Your three-year-old is behaving like a typical three-year-old but your older son is not at a stage where he can appreciate this and instead resents him intruding on his space and belongings.

Learning to respect each other’s needs and boundaries is not within reach of either child developmentally. Also, their ability to share within boundaries is still emerging. This negotiation is part of building sibling connections.

There may be some toys your older son is willing to allow his sibling to play with and others he absolutely is not happy to share. How about suggesting to your older son that he create a small box of items to share with his brother and keep other toys and games beyond his reach while at school?

It is crucial to find a middle ground for more collaborative play and connection between the boys, or the years ahead will see you adopting a referee role between them.

Try some family play items that everyone shares and that belong to everyone. I am thinking of a game that you can all play together. One that is a firm favourite in my house is What a Performance by Orchard Toys (€21.95) and the Stomp Rocket (€24.95) which comes in a dual stomp option, both available in cogsthebrainshop. ie which also stocks a wide range of fun and developmentally stimulating family games.

You could also keep it simple by playing a range of games with a balloon, such as keep-up (work together as a family to keep the balloon up in the air for as long as possible), balloon pass (passing it from family member to family member) and balloon body-walk (place the balloon between them, for example, tummy to tummy and tell them, without touching with their hands, take the balloon for a walk, trying not to drop or pop it).

In other words, find playful opportunities to show them how to play together and enjoy playing with each other. Using family play takes the focus away from who ‘owns’ what toys.

My 15-Minute Parenting 0-7 years book has lots of play examples like this in it, and you may also find this episode of my podcast helpful - see exa.mn/15-minute-activity

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]