Joanna Fortune: Is my eight-year-old too young to hear about the facts of life?
Cheerful young kid talking with helpful child counselor during psychotherapy session in children mental health center. Child counselor during psychotherapy session
Your son may not fully understand what he is saying but in making the 'joke', you should note this new awareness of and interest in sex marks the start of being interested in his sexuality and desire. So this is the time to 'grow up' your sex talk.
From your letter, I am not sure if you have started a conversation about bodies and sex. It is a great start if you have been talking about bodies, boundaries, consent and touch since toddlerhood. You can return to the conversation, saying: 'I think it’s time we spoke about our bodies in more detail'. But if this is the first time, you could broach the topic by saying: 'That joke reminded me we haven’t had a proper chat about bodies and sex and what happens as we grow up'.
When talking with your children about sex, it pays to think through what you want to say and how you will say it in advance. A tip is to practise saying it aloud with your partner (helpful in ensuring you both stay on the same page) or a friend/family member. Hearing yourself say something is not the same as thinking it. It also allows you to get any awkwardness out of the way before you speak with your child.
It may be that you do not feel awkward talking about sex but that doesn’t mean your pre-teen will feel comfortable. So be sensitive to how they are experiencing what you are saying. Keep the content direct and factual, taking regular pauses to check in with your child to see how he is receiving the information. Encourage him to ask questions as you go. This will ensure a deeper understanding of what you are saying and allow you to spot if he is becoming overwhelmed.
As puberty arrives for many children by the end of this middle-childhood phase (eight to 12 years) ensure you talk about breasts, new hair growth, periods, sweating/hygiene and wet dreams, and normalise it while respecting how embarrassing it might be for your child. Talk openly about sexual intercourse and use anatomically correct language. How you speak about sex will naturally be influenced and framed by your moral code but remember to stick to the facts. Also, as your son matures, any conversation about sex should include contraception and consent as a part of the narrative.
For more details on how to chat with your pre-teen about sex, you will find practical suggestions in my book 15-Minute Parenting 8-12 years or on my 15-Minute Parenting podcast, which is a free resource, exa.mn/15-Minute-Podcasts.
- If you have a question for Joanna, please send it to parenting@examiner.ie
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