Sex File: Making love feels like a chore to him

"It's a Hollywood trope, where climax happens almost as soon as penetrative sex begins. That kind of unrealistic sexual scripting isn't just bad for women, it's bad for men too."

Mon, 01 Nov, 2021 - 06:05

Suzi Godson

My husband and I recently had a very honest conversation in which he revealed that sometimes sex feels like hard work because he's so fixated on my orgasm. I want us both to enjoy it, but I don't want to give up my orgasms. How can we resolve this so that we're both happy?

Although women should be equal participants in the pursuit of their orgasms, and they are definitely the experts when it comes to their own arousal, sexual scripts still portray men as givers of pleasure and women as receivers.

It's a Hollywood trope, where climax happens almost as soon as penetrative sex begins. That kind of unrealistic sexual scripting isn't just bad for women, it's bad for men too.

In 2017 researchers at the University of Michigan conducted a study that explored how being able to bring a woman to orgasm makes men feel more masculine. This script puts tremendous pressure on men and women, and it can take all the fun out of something that should be a mutually pleasurable experience.

Although it was probably a difficult conversation for both of you, the fact that you and your husband have had a frank discussion about what isn't working is a really good thing, mainly because it means you can now do something about it. It is annoying that it is harder, and takes longer, for women to orgasm during partnered sex, but it is not your fault, and nor is it your husband's.

A fundamental design flaw in the way that male and female sexual anatomy fit together means the most sensitive part of the female body is outside the vagina, so penetrative sex, while enjoyable, very rarely results in an orgasm. If in a hurry, the quickest way to change this is to do a little DIY, because women orgasm much more rapidly during solo sex. The average time it takes a woman to orgasm during partnered sex is 14 minutes, compared with eight minutes on their own, according to 2018 research by the psychologist David L Rowland at Valparaiso University in Indiana.

The reason women orgasm more quickly during solo sex is because they know exactly what they want. Introducing this into partnered sex could be the key to making it more fun for you both again. Him watching you will also give him some new ideas.

You could also invest in some technological back-up, to use together. The sex toy industry now targets women almost exclusively and is on a mission to close the orgasm gap. The tech has become increasingly sophisticated and the new sonic air technology vibrators such as the Lelo Sona, the Womanizer and the Satisfyer Pro 2 are so effective that your husband will probably be the one left playing catch-up.

There are also a number of products on the market that are designed to be worn during penetration, but a lot of women find them fiddly and uncomfortable. The one exception is called MysteryVibe Crescendo, which is easy to use in many positions and allows for G-spot stimulation, or can be bent in such a way that it allows for simultaneous vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Here's to more orgasms for you.