Scheduling some solo time can help navigate Christmas when you are grieving

Scheduling time for yourself and making decisions that feel right to you can help you to get through the festive season

Bereavement counsellor Sharon Jenkins: Finding small moments of self-care throughout the day can help you feel calmer, lighter, and more in control, whether that be enjoying a cup of tea, playing your favourite song, or reading a couple of pages of a book, and can make a significant difference.

The festive season is often portrayed as the happiest time of year, but the pressure to have a perfect Christmas can be overwhelming, especially for people who are grieving.

Emotions and memories associated with loved ones who have passed can be especially vivid and painful around Christmas, so we asked bereavement counsellor Sharon Jenkins for advice on navigating this sensitive period following a loss.

Have a plan B
Be prepared to be flexible, as everything might not go to plan.

“Whatever your plan is for how you’re going to do Christmas, have a plan B because you don’t know how you’re going to feel on the day,” advises Jenkins. “Say to your family if we’re feeling okay, we’ll do this but actually if that doesn’t feel okay we’ll do this instead.

“For example, if you can’t face walking into a supermarket and seeing the Christmas chocolates right in your face and decorations everywhere because it feels too overwhelming, do an online shop instead.”

Don’t bottle up all your feelings and emotions

“Holding all your emotions and feelings in is like shaking a bottle of pop and then seeing it explode everywhere when you open it,” says Jenkins. “However, if you slowly open it a little bit at a time, by allowing yourself to have those moments of talking to somebody or having a little cry, then you’re not going to have that big explosion.”

Decide what traditions you want to keep and create new ones

Don’t be afraid to create new traditions.

“Think about what special traditions you want to take forward, but also about what new traditions you might want to make,” says Jenkins. “Keep things that make you smile and bring good memories, and think about any new traditions that might make Christmas easier to manage or more relaxed for you.

“Assess what’s important and special to your family so the memories of that person are still part of things.”

Schedule in some solo time

It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of Christmas, but make sure you carve out some time for you.

“If you are spending Christmas with lots of family and friends, there might be some moments where everything feels a bit too much,” says Jenkins. “Don’t be afraid to take a breather and put your own wellbeing first.”

Finding small moments of self-care throughout the day can help you feel calmer, lighter, and more in control, whether that be enjoying a cup of tea, playing your favourite song, or reading a couple of pages of a book, and can make a significant difference, says Jenkins.

“If you just keep going and never get any time to fill yourself back up, you’re just going to run out of energy. Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup.”

Learn when to say ‘no’ but keep the door open

Make decisions that feel right to you.

“Be honest and ask yourself, do I really want to go to this or do I just feel I should go,” says Jenkins.

“You can always say now is not a good time for me, but next time you are doing something let me know, or just organise a coffee for some time in January after Christmas is over.”

Be mindful of alcohol consumption

“Alcohol can play a big part in Christmas celebrations, and some people use drinking as a coping mechanism for grief, but that is going to make you feel worse in the long run,” says Jenkins. “Have a nice time but consider drinking in moderation if you are feeling particularly low, and be especially cautious if you are on antidepressants.”

Consider talking to a counsellor

Many people find it easier to talk to someone who hasn’t been directly impacted by the death.

“Talking about grief can be difficult and sometimes it can be easier to talk to somebody who’s not emotionally invested,” says Jenkins.

“Sometimes talking to somebody who doesn’t know you and is just going to listen can help.”

• The Irish Hospice Foundation Bereavement Support Line is open Monday to Friday, 10am to 1pm, at 1800 80 70 77. For other bereavement support services see: hse.ie