Sex File: He wants me to be the boss in bed

I've just started a relationship with a man from my office. I'm his boss, and it seems to be making for an odd dynamic in our sex life. He expects me to be in charge in the bedroom, which isn't what I want at all. I really don't want to be the boss once I've finished work but I don't know how to fix this.

According to research, about two in five professionals have had a romantic relationship with a work colleague, often - at least pre-pandemic - when the heady combination of familiarity and compatibility has been compounded by after-work drinks.

Work romances are somewhat inevitable because the average worker spends more time with their colleagues than many other people in their lives. Humans are social creatures and over time the people you work with can become much more than colleagues. You see them all day, every day, at their very best, and at their very worst, and, predictably, that level of proximity occasionally creates sexual chemistry.

Although workplace relationships are commonplace, relationships between a direct boss and a subordinate are generally frowned upon. However, professional disapproval, risk and secrecy can for some people heighten the intensity. And the more clandestine the office relationship, the more frenzied the level of desire. The fact that you are your boyfriend's boss should make your relationship more complicated but instead it probably makes it much more exciting.

The uneven power dynamic at work is likely a part of what attracted the two of you to each other in the first place and so it was bound to spill over into the bedroom. Although your boyfriend might not be able to articulate it, he may be titillated by having sex with his boss. While I'm sure that's not the only thing that attracted him, by the sounds of it he is also, to some degree, enjoying the role of being your subordinate. There is a danger that this dynamic will cross over into the rest of your relationship.

If you want this to change, you need to be completely transparent with your new partner about what you want from this relationship. Make it clear that you don't want to be the boss in the bedroom and that you want sex - and your relationship - to be a more collaborative experience. Changing the way you have sex will help to reinforce this message. Allow him to initiate, even if that means waiting longer than you might like.

Encouraging him to assert himself and take the lead sexually will help to eliminate the status gap and give you a fighting chance as a couple. You need to have a conversation with him about this when you're not having sex. Be aware that it won't change anything overnight because you will likely keep having to remind him of the change of dynamic. That also involves you stepping back sometimes, which you might not be used to doing.

Have a look at your own behaviour and catch yourself any time you start "managing" him. Whether you are laughing at his jokes or taking off his clothes, you will still be your boyfriend's boss at work. That is assuming you stay together. 

The break-up of any relationship is painful but when workplace relationships end, the fallout is enormous. Often one or both partners ends up seeking alternative employment because they can no longer stand the constant proximity that brought them together in the first place.

I hope that this relationship works out for you - and the best way to ensure that is by ironing out this issue now, before it becomes permanent.

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