Sex File: Why won't my girlfriend show me her body when we're intimate? 

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I've been in a relationship with a gorgeous woman for six months - we're in our 20s. We have a good sex life, but she has been very shy in showing her body. She prefers the room to be completely dark and she is always hiding under the duvet. What can I do to make her more comfortable being naked?

Your girlfriend is not at all unusual. It is a depressing truth that many women are unhappy about their size or shape. In a study published in the International Journal of Eating Disorders, psychologist Diann Ackard asked 3,627 women whether they were happy with their bodies. A paltry 39.8% were found to have positive body image. The rest, like your girlfriend, were dissatisfied with one or more aspects of their body. Like your girlfriend, they didn't like getting undressed in front of their sexual partners and they preferred having sex with the lights off.

Body dissatisfaction is not rational, therefore the fact that your girlfriend is beautiful makes no difference. Negative body image is a multifaceted problem because it affects how people see, feel, think and behave. The way your girlfriend sees herself - known as the "perceptual" body image - is a distortion. As a result, her "affective" body image - the way she feels about her body - is very negative. Preoccupation with her "cognitive" body image - the way she thinks about her body - affects her "behavioural" body image. She doesn't undress in front of you. She can only have sex in the dark. There may be other things you've noticed, in day-to-day life, which would indicate a dislike of her appearance.

At its most severe, body dissatisfaction is a serious mental health issue, but for most who suffer from it, it is just quietly corrosive. It lurks in the brain, making women doubt themselves, undermining their self-esteem and taking the joy out of life.

It obviously affects sex - and can affect relationships too, as women who are not comfortable in their own skin often also find it hard to love and be loved.

Worrying about the way they look limits their capacity for sexual abandon, and in the Ackard study mentioned earlier, women who were dissatisfied with their bodies had less sex and were more likely to fake orgasm. In contrast, the relationship between positive body image and sexual satisfaction is well documented.

Building your girlfriend's confidence will help, but don't focus on her body. Give her compliments that are completely unrelated to her physical attributes. Make sure you tell her she is smart and funny and warm and kind. Most importantly, tell her that you understand that she has insecurities, but avoid the temptation to challenge her self-concept with rational counter-arguments. Telling her she is mad will not help. She is much more likely to let her guard down if you strengthen the level of emotional intimacy between you.

Don't expect anything to change overnight. You've only been in your girlfriend's life for a short time and she has probably been battling her body since she was a teenager. It could take many months for her to feel comfortable undressing in front of you, or having sex with the lights on, so in the mean time it's probably a good idea to get creative with what is available to you.

Experimenting with lighting will help. Candlelight is incredibly flattering. You could also volunteer to be blindfolded while she undresses. It will feel erotic for you - as you lie there listening, sexual anticipation builds and when she is ready, your girlfriend's touch will feel electric. It will also give her the confidence to move around as she wishes, without feeling that she has to hide under the blanket. I hope she will find it liberating.

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