Sex File: Stop talking about sex, and just take your clothes off

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My wife and I have talked and talked about our sexual relationship - or lack thereof. I think we might have talked too much because now it feels as though it's something really serious and is a massive jump to actually get back to having sex.

The most conclusive predictor of satisfaction in a long-term relationship is not "how often" a couple have sex but how easy (or difficult) they find it to talk about with each other. Having said that, if you have talked yourselves to death, it is definitely time to feel your way physically instead.

Don't overthink it for a second longer. Take your clothes off, lie down beside each other and cuddle. Skin-to-skin contact reduces stress and releases endorphins that leave you feeling calm and connected. Even just holding hands with each other will synchronise your heart rate and your breathing, and it can even alleviate pain, according to research from the University of Haifa in Israel. When you are so closely physically connected, communication is much more intimate and you can move the dial in ways that elude you when you talk across the kitchen table.

It is also important to realise that you are not alone. There are so many things in our lives that fight for our attention that the space that sex occupies in our lives has shrunk. As a result, sexless marriages are becoming a growing phenomenon. 

Research from Georgia State University in the US suggests that about 15% of married couples have not had sex in the past six months. A 2017 study conducted by the Chinese University of Hong Kong of American adults found that 15.2%  of males and 26.7% of females had not had sex for a year, and 8.7% of males and 17.5% of females had not had sex for five years or more.

Sexlessness often starts as common or garden apathy. Over time sexual novelty wears off. You stop making an effort. And there is a lot of other stuff to do besides. Withholding sex can also start as a way for one or both sides of the couple to communicate feelings of anger, hurt and displeasure. It can serve a useful purpose if a couple can kiss and make up once the storm clouds pass but if sexlessness becomes embedded and a couple feel too awkward, or ashamed, to address the elephant in their relationship, sometimes it feels easier to leave the relationship rather than repair it.

In your case, you have obviously decided to talk about it, which is a fantastic start. Now you need to break down the physical barrier. While you work on physically jump-starting your relationship, it's important not to put pressure on each other. Take it as it comes and if you decide to have sex, don't expect too much. It will probably feel a bit weird the first time, but once you get over that initial hurdle, things will begin to feel more normal.

Moving forward, it would be a good idea to monitor what increases your openness to having sex. Do you need a free house, a long talk, a glass of wine, or breakfast in bed? If you can figure out what needs to be in place for sex to happen, you can begin to factor those things into your relationship on a more regular basis.

Similarly, think about what puts you both off the idea of sex. Not talking? Not touching? Not attending to each other? When sexual relationships start to go wrong it can feel hugely complicated but we are pretty simple creatures. We want to love and be loved. We need to touch and be touched. And we can only listen when we feel that we are being heard. Meet those three basic needs and everything else tends to work itself out.

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