Sex File: My husband isn't very adventurous in bed 

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My husband is 32. He knows what he likes in the bedroom and that's what he sticks to. I'm not exactly dissatisfied, but I wouldn't mind trying some new things. I just can't seem to get him to be more adventurous. How can anyone this young be so set in their ways already?

Your husband's refusal to even consider your suggestions could easily be interpreted as selfishness, but it is also the behaviour of someone who is not sexually confident. Trying new things in bed can be quite hit and miss at the best of times, and if something doesn't work, you need to be resilient enough to laugh at failure and tenacious enough to try again.

People who lack sexual confidence find that very difficult to do. They tend to think about sex in terms of "performance" and are often so preoccupied by their partner's perceptions of their proficiency or competence that they psychologically disengage from the experience of sex. Because they are constantly self-evaluating they stick to what they think they can do well rather than risk trying something new and not getting it right.

If someone is suffering from a lack of confidence in the bedroom that can make discussing sex tricky. Even if you choose your words carefully, when you say that you'd like to "try new things" your husband may hear you saying that the sex you are having with each other is boring. 

Many people are afraid to tell their partner what they want because they are afraid that it will come across as a complaint or criticism, but open and honest sexual communication is a vital component of healthy sexual relationships.

You don't really need a PhD to figure out that disclosing specific sexual likes and dislikes ensures that couples get more of what they like and less of what they dislike, yet those same academic studies confirm that many couples actively avoid sexual communication. Why? Because disclosing sexual preferences requires people to share very private aspects of themselves and if they don't have complete trust in their partner it makes them feel vulnerable because they don't know how that intimate information will be received.

Although you say that your husband is "stuck in his ways" at 32, in long-term relationships, unhelpful sexual behaviours and lack of communication do not happen in isolation. What needs to change is that your husband is curtailing your sexual experience. Since it didn't go well when you tried to discuss it with him, try again, but in a different way. Keep it casual. Bring it up as much as possible. Talking about sex regularly and without shame "normalises" the experience and makes it much easier to resolve sexual difficulties if they arise.

Separate the act from the conversation and resist the temptation to wrap requests ("I'd love to try X") in accusations ("You always do Y"). Pick a time when you are both relaxed and always start with the positives. Talk about what you enjoy and what works well, then ask him how he feels. He is unlikely to go into much detail the first time, but if you can get him to begin to open up you can begin to build on that.

Use the journalist's secret weapon: silence. Ask him a question, then resist the temptation to answer it for him. Remember, it isn't about getting what you want, it is about helping him to feel confident that no one is judging him - which should make change possible.

You should definitely invest in some sex toys for yourself. If you want to introduce them into sex, it is much harder for him to say no to trying something that is sitting on the bedside table than it is to reject an idea that has no material presence. He may feel intimidated the first time, but most men eventually realise that sex toys, such as vibrators, take the pressure off them because they virtually guarantee that a female partner will have an orgasm every time.

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