Sex File: I don't like his morning surprise 

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We've got into the habit of having sex on Saturday mornings, which is great, but my partner often jumps in far too quickly with oral sex. I truly appreciate the enthusiasm - but that's precisely the reason I don't always enjoy it.

A. For some women oral sex at any time is the ultimate experience, but for others it feels like an invasion if there's been no build-up. Sometimes it is just too much too soon. Since most men would love this kind of wake-up call in the morning, there is an assumption that most women would too. Male testosterone levels fluctuate throughout the day and in middle-aged men morning testosterone levels can be 20 to 25% higher at 8am than at 4pm. This surge means that men often wake up raring to go.

Most couples routinely discuss what feels good and when, but you and your partner have clearly been relying on sexual chemistry and non-verbal communication. That will only get you so far. Good sexual relationships rely on actual communication and, of course, talking about sexual needs and desires exponentially increases the likelihood of those needs being met and those desires being fulfilled.

Academic research has long confirmed the relationship between sexual communication and satisfaction. Studies have shown that couples who talk about sex have more of it and more orgasms too. They also like each other more and have higher self-esteem.

In 2020 Rick Roels and Erick Janssen, from the Institute for Family and Sexuality Studies at the University of Leuven in Belgium, conducted a small study that found that, in couple relationships, being able to talk about sex is as important as actually having it, if not more.

The study examined the contribution of sexual communication and frequency to sexual and relationship satisfaction in 126 heterosexual couples who had been together for nearly two years. Both partners took part, which meant that the researchers were able to tally male and female perspectives. The results revealed that "only sexual communication", not sexual frequency, predicted relationship satisfaction for men and women.

The irony is that if you had expressed your displeasure sooner, a simple "no", or "not now", or even a judicious squeezing of your thighs around his ears probably would have done the trick and nipped this in the bud.

If you have let him carry on with this for a long time, telling him now might feel a bit awkward. Even so, the only way out of this situation is to be honest with him.

When your partner asks you, as he inevitably will, why you never said anything to him before, be kind, because you don't want to make things worse by offending him. The best way to tackle this problem is to tell him that you find it difficult to talk about sex and that you can see now that, of course, he is not expected to be telepathic about why you might not feel comfortable with this first thing on a Saturday morning. That simple admission will stop him feeling as though he has done something wrong, and will also give you both permission to be more open about your likes and dislikes.

If the takeaway from this is that you can talk about sex more openly with each other, you will have turned something that could have been very negative into something very positive for both of you.

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