Ask Audrey: 'My friend works for Tourism Ireland, we call her Diddly Ei-Leen'

C’mere, what’s the story with coming into contact with English people? I’m not a racist now like, some of my best friends are from Galway.
Ask Audrey: 'My friend works for Tourism Ireland, we call her Diddly Ei-Leen'

C’mere, what’s the story with coming into contact with English people? I’m not a racist now like, some of my best friends are from Galway. But I seen the story there that New Zealand was infected by two people who flew in from the UK. My initial reaction was sly pleasure, because the Kiwis were doing my head in with their sexy Prime Minister saying they do be free from the virus. Like of course you do be free from it, ye live in the middle of nowhere, lah! But then, I was thinking I wouldn’t like if it happened here, which is a problem because my cousin Dale wants to fly over for a weekend from Manchester. Is it racist for me to say, sorry Dale, but ye do be rancid over there in England?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, not a racist.

I’d say you’ll be alright Donie. Irish people can say what they like about the English without being called a racist. It’s a little payback for the 800 years. #GoForIt My friend is an expert on calling people racist because he spends half his life on Twitter. I said, what’s your view on English people coming over here? He said, no problem. I said, I thought you were in Sinn Fein. He said, I was until last Monday, now I’m in the Greens. #Opportunistic

It’s beep-beep all day on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Babes Who Feel Sorry for People who Can’t Afford a Hot Tub. Claire_WhiteRangeRover started it off when her husband Ross bought a drone and flew it down over the Blackrock Road to see how to the super-rich are spending the money they saved by not flying to Cape Town for Easter. Hot tubs apparently - and not the ones you buy in Aldi because you’re only a teacher. As Alva_AmazingBoneStructure put it, anyone who doesn’t spend 10 grand on one of these is basically admitting they come from Turners Cross. Here’s the problem – the Greens are in government and they’re total buzz wreckers. Do you think they’ll say sorry now lads, no hot tubs, waste of water?

- Jenni, Douglas Road

My cousin is a bit of crack even though he’s big into saving the planet. I said, what will the Greens do with hot-tubs? He said, picture themselves having sex in it, just like everyone else. #EamonRyan #MentalImage

Hi girl. I’m one of the leading influencers in south Munster measured by the number of my followers who think I like all the shit eyeliners I endorse across my social media channels for 3000 euro a video, #NeverMissAChanceForaFreeAd. Anyhow, #MoneyIsTight because I’ve had no speaking gigs at #PowerBreakfasts for women where everyone is really supportive to your face and then says awful things about you in the jacks, you know that kind of a way. So, to be honest with you girl, I’m so desperate now that I’d do a promo for Clonmel. Do you know any bogman towns that would like me to visit and say ‘ooh, I could really see myself living here’, even though I’d rather eat my own eyes while having it off with a man from Fermoy?

- @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo.

My friend works for Tourism Ireland, we call her Diddly Ei-Leen. I said, do you know any shite towns in the midlands? She said, are you suggesting there’s any other kind. #NotGreatAtHerJob

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy had a good old lash of pints last night in our new pub, The Old Stock. Duckie Prendergast popped in as well and two guards who were going to close us down until Hoggy said what are ye drinking lads? We got talking about this rule that says a pub can only open if it serves food that cost more than 9 euro. The guards reckoned it will mean the end for a lot of pubs, until I said sorry now old stocks, but have you seen the cost of a purple snack on the Blackrock Road. It’s 15 quid in our old local, keeps the Norries from the door, except for the Norry on the door, wouldn’t mess with him. (Glen Rovers.) So, can a pub open if it serves 15 euro purple snacks?

- Reggie, Blackrock Road

My friend is a solicitor, so take this with a pinch of salt. I said, does anyone in the legal game believe that a purple snack constitutes a nourishing meal? He said, law students, or any student really.

Now listen up you disgusting Micks. Bunty Horseface-Wiffington (our code name for Boris) was on the blower saying it’s a disgrace that an Englishman should be considered persona non grata all over the world right now. We have done nothing we should be ashamed of in our dazzling history, except for the odd spot of colonialism, and Simon Cowell. Anyway, it feels like no one will let us into their country this summer, so that means Eire for our foreign holidays this year, how positively disgusting. Where would someone of my calibre enjoy a good time with your local fillies?

- Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London and rather a lot of Wales unfortunately.

I got back onto my friend in Tourism Ireland, Diddly Ei-leen and asked her to find somewhere suitable. She said, I just keyed ‘posh English accent’ ‘huge house’ ‘sex’ into our database. I said, what came back? She said, Kinsale. #QuelleSurprise

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