Ask Audrey: I told him I want to see something disgusting so he sent me a photo of Cobh

Sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere, what’s the story with a global elite putting coronavirus into salad burgers. The cousin got onto me on WhatsApp during the week - his friend is a guard, he said they do be investigating a chipper on the northside that opened under new management. It’s a couple, Terry and Martina, but according to the cousin anyway, it’s actually Bill Gates and Michelle Obama, and they do be putting coronavirus in the food to control the Norries. The cousin said he was in there earlier and mentioned he was having savage trouble with his smart TV and this ‘Terry’ bloke said, have you tried turning it on and off, which is exactly what Bill Gates would say if you had a problem with your PC. Do you think I should be worried, lah? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I’d definitely be worried, if I were you. But not about coronavirus. Don’t get offended now, but you sound as gullible as the man who signed up for a Masters In Big Sums at the University of Kanturk.

It’s been phones pinging all week on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Super-Models Who Normally Wouldn’t be Seen Dead in a Garden Centre. Síofra_OwnsHalfOfStLukes made the obvious point that gardening is just for Norries and people over 50. Cliona_5MillionHouse said that DIY is a consolation hobby for people who don’t have a yacht or the temperament for tennis. I said, great insights guys but if I don’t go shopping soon, I’ll actually probably die. Ok, I know it isn’t exactly buying stuff in Brown Thomas without looking at the price (#loaded), but needs must. So we’ve decided to meet up in a garden centre by accident for a bit of a splurge. There’s only only question really – B&Q or Woodies, where’s better,if you’re trying to avoid gang-loads of Norries? Jenni, Douglas Road.

I rang the Posh Cousin and asked which one she’d choose. She said, I’ve never been in either one obviously, but my gardener has a thing for Woodies. I said, there’s no need to tell me about your love life! #DirtyJoke

How’re oo’ goin’ on? C’mere, we can’t make head nor tail of the whole Matt Damon thing down here in West Cork. What is wrong with people above in Dublin, having a minor conniption because they saw the man walking down the street? You’d swear the hoors had never seen a celebrity before in their lives. Honest to God, you’d nearly give yourself whiplash on any given day in Schull, trying to avoid eye contact with some gowl of a Hollywood A-Lister, because you wouldn’t want to be giving him the satisfaction. So to help out that shower of giggly-girls above in Dublin, myself and the wife have started a podcast no less, teaching them how we ignore celebs here in West Cork. It’s called We Couldn’t Give Two Shites What Film You Were In. Would you give it an auld plug for us, tell me? Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway.

Don’t talk to me about celebs. I was in a pub last night, blinds-down, don’t ask. This well-known rugby player said, do you know who I am? I said yes. He said, so why won’t you talk to me? I said, because I know who you are. #CantKeepItInHisPants

Hey dude. I’m self-quarantining at the moment with my partner after getting a todally chilled out version of the coronavirus. My girl be like, you don’t seem that sick, pestering me for sex the minute you finished binge watching White Lines, maybe go and get tested Ed dude and I be like, babes, I know my own body, this is the smooth way we get Covid-19 down here in Ballintemple. Anyway, I read this thing saying 1 in 5 people have texted an ex during lockdown, so I sent a photo of my amazing eyes to this girl I had a fling with in Peru, my partner found out and wants to kick me out. So like, is any of this my fault? Ed, Ballintemple.

Everyone is texting their ex in Posh Cork. I was back and forth to this German guy the other night when things got a bit frisky. I typed, Eric hon, I want you to send me a pic of something disgusting. So he went outside and took a photo of Cobh. #GermanHumour

Guten Tag. I am having a good laugh at you Irish Paddys, saying you can’t wait to go for a drink in the pub again, given that before the lockdown most of you preferred drinking cans of Der BackenSlapper from your local German supermarket, tell me it isn’t true. I’m just off a Zoom call with my Irish buddy, I said great news, I heard that some of your pubs are going to get restaurant licences so they can open. He burst out laughing and said I hope you like chicken curry. What is so funny about this chicken curry!!? Jurgen, Ballincollig and Berlin.

I was actually telling my German friend about this, the way nightclubs in Ireland had to serve food to stay open late, so they’d start firing bowls of grub out of a hatch at midnight. She said, super, what would you get in a typical bowl? I said, food poisoning.