Ask Audrey: I told him I want to see something disgusting so he sent me a photo of Cobh

Sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere, what’s the story with a global elite putting coronavirus into salad burgers. The cousin got onto me on WhatsApp during the week - his friend is a guard, he said they do be investigating a chipper on the northside that opened under new management. It’s a couple, Terry and Martina, but according to the cousin anyway, it’s actually Bill Gates and Michelle Obama, and they do be putting coronavirus in the food to control the Norries. The cousin said he was in there earlier and mentioned he was having savage trouble with his smart TV and this ‘Terry’ bloke said, have you tried turning it on and off, which is exactly what Bill Gates would say if you had a problem with your PC. Do you think I should be worried, lah? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I’d definitely be worried, if I were you. But not about coronavirus. Don’t get offended now, but you sound as gullible as the man who signed up for a Masters In Big Sums at the University of Kanturk.