Ask Audrey: A lesbian daughter is the latest must-have accessory on the Rochestown Road

Sorting out Cork people for ages like

C’mere, what’s the story with thinking Cork is better than sex. I’ve really reconnected with the city in the past few weeks, walking around during the lockdown and breaking into tears every time Shandon sneaks into view, I’d a be weak for it. It’s the business boy, strolling around the empty streets, alone with your thoughts and a can of Dutch Gold, you get to realise what’s important in your life. So like can we all agree on one thing when all this is over – Cork city is the berries when you don’t have to share the footpath with gowls from Carrigaline. So, would you ever ask one of your snobby lawyer friends if there is a way to ban culchies from Cork, forever like? – Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I’m with you on this. Everyone is saying the air is fresher around Cork because there are so few cars on the road. I say it’s because there is no one up from Bandon to do their ‘bit of shopping.’ #IsThatSilageOrManure?

Aon scéal? I’m a trainee Guard from Dingle, they gave me early release from Templemore and sent me down to Cork to make sure ye lads don’t drive off to Kerry this weekend and get off with our birds. They are four of us in the one house here in Frankfield, Christ I tell you we’d be bating off the Cork women with a dirty stick, they seem to think we’re sound because of our sly accents. Anyway, I have a problem with the cocoon thing. You see, Kerry women are grand until they hit 60, after which they’d nearly have more facial hair than Paul Galvin. Yeer Cork women have more style about them and I can’t tell if a woman is over 70 or not? Any hints?

– Páid Óg Bán Beag, Frankfield agus Dingle.

The Posh Cousin has just started a podcast aimed at older women who want a good sex life, it’s called In Your Dreams. I said, what’s the best way to tell if a Cork woman is over 70. She said, ask if she still has one of those red Roches Stores bags at home. #TheyAllDo

Now listen up Paddy. Things are rather tight for English aristos like myself at the moment, now that we can’t charge oiks 50 quid to walk around our stately homes and say ‘hey up, Clive, I wouldn’t like to be the one picking up the heating bill here, chuck.’ Quite. Anyhow, fortune favours the rich and what not, didn’t your man Varadkar contact me during the week with what I believe is known as a job. His research has shown that you filthy Micks have stopped listening to stay-at-home warnings from people with Dublin 4 accents – apparently they’re not English enough. Huzzah! That’s where I come in. So, listen up, the message from Leo and his government is as follows – there will be no lifting the lockdown because you have been very bad Paddys. Could you pass that around Cork for me?

– Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, Wiltshire, to name one of the many counties I own.

My cousin is a Fine Gael Councillor, we call him Planning Permission. I rang him there to talk about the lockdown. He said, how’s your mother? I said, I’m dying to give me a hug. He said, come on Audrey you don’t want her catching Covid-19. I said, God no, not with her house worth 50% of what is was in January. He said, exactly.

No shortage of friction on our WhatsApp group, Stunning Ballinlough Over-Achievers Who Are Glad Now They Didn’t Have Kids. I snuck out for a walk around Atlantic Pond with Leoni last night, so we could ask each other passive-aggressive questions about loss of revenue due to Covid-19. (‘Will you have to go for the cheaper nose-job now’ - the usual bitchiness you have with your best friend.) Anyway this Guard stopped us and asked if we were both from the same household - Leoni said we’re actually a gay couple, just as Naomi Clarke-O’Leary was passing, and didn’t the nosey bitch tell everyone. Now, I’ve nothing against lesbians – but I don’t want people thinking I am one either, do you know that kind of a way. So how can I show I’m straight, without insulting the gays?

–Carina, Ballinlough.

My cousin Orla is gay, her mother was devastated until someone told her a lesbian daughter is the latest must-have accessory on the Rochestown Road. (It replaced a hairless cat.) I said, Orla, what would you say to this Carina? She said, nothing. I said why? She said, I’d prefer to shag a man than talk to someone from Ballinlough. #TheSnobbyLesbian

Quick one girl. I was going to leave my boyfriend but now he has a lockdown beard and I’m as horny that one who sang I’m horny, horny, horny, horny. He’s like Chris Hemsworth with a Kanturk accent, I’d be rubbing off him all day and I don’t even like him! Is there any cure for Beard Lust?

– Martina, Cloyne.

I was telling the girls on Zoom last night that I was mad for bearded guys in college. One of them said, did you get a rash? I said, about four or five of them, but none on my face thank God. #GreatTimes #TheresAlwaysPenicillin