I’m a handsome 70-year-old man who likes to go wild sea swimming around Audley Cove in Ballydehob.
Normally I’d have the place to myself at this time of year, but we’re suddenly swamped with refugees from Dublin and Cork on the run from coronavirus. They are proper swimmers to boot, none of your Christmas Day swim langers just looking for something to post on Instagram.
Worse again, they are younger than me so I’m dead last in our daily races, which is showing me up in front of this woman I have my eye on.
I know you’re well in with Simon Coveney — is there any chance you can get him to force the city people to feck off? Or failing that, is there anything you’d recommend to improve my time?
— Michael, Ballydehob.
I’m not really well in with Simon — it’s more a barring order really. My friend is a doctor, I asked him if there is anything you could recommend to a 70-year-old who is looking to improve his performance? He said, ah come on Audrey, you’re making this too easy. #Viagra
Hello old stock. I’d do anything to get away from the Killer Contagion (it’s the new affectionate pet name that I use for my wife Marjorie, behind her back.)
I rang Hoggy just there and said how about we grab a slab of Heineken and two very open-minded women from Kinsale and sail around to Dingle for the weekend. He said no way Reggie, we’re supposed to be in lockdown. (Hoggy insists on everything being above board, don’t ask me how he ended up as own of the top three solicitors on the South Mall.) I
said, go on you browl Hoggy, sailing is an excellent form of social distancing, because the Norries are miles away from being able to afford by 300 grand yacht. So, should I go to Dingle or not?
— Reggie, Blackrock.
This is one for the Posh Cousin. I rang her there, told her the story, and said, do you think he should go. She said absolutely, there’s no chance he’ll catch something in Dingle. I said are they free from the coronavirus? She said no, they’re free from hen parties full of wans down from Limerick. #Crawling.
I have to charge my phone six times a day with all the activity on our WhatsApp group, Stunning Douglas Road Influencers Who Have THE LIFE YOU WANT.
Ciara_WhiteRangeRover said ‘Bawling girlz, I posted a body-positive shot of myself on Instagram wearing a 3 grand kimono in Hotel Europe and it only got four likes.’ Leoni_2WhiteRangeRovers replied with ‘Preach Ciara, I posted a video of me making an amazing kumquat salad in my 32 grand kitchen and someone called me a kum-twat.’
I know it sounds mental Audrey, but it feels like people are more interested in frontline nurses than the daily lives of inspiring Douglas Road home-makers. Is there anything to be said for organising a charity lunch?
—Kiera, Douglas Road.
My cousin works in the charity sector, because there’s no shortage of money in other people’s misery. She said, those people have no taste. I said, thinking about themselves at a time like this? She said no, kumquats, they’re just so 2019.
So, my old man is so rich his VHI plan to phone the Taoiseach and complain about the view from his hospital bed. This doesn’t stop me from being so todally sound and approachable that our bin men know me by name. (Bollocks Breath before you ask, it was my nickname in Pres.
I’ve no idea how the binmen know that.) So, I saw that Leo is handing over money to self-employed people who are struggling due to a loss of business. That half applies to me — my foraged mushrooms stall is down 90%, but I’m not struggling because of my grandmother gives me 5 grand a week.
So I want to make it todally clear I will not be taking any money from the deserving poor. Do you think I should get that put on a T-shirt?
— Ed, Ballintemple.
This is a big issue. My friend is in a support group called Sundays Well People Mortified About Claiming Social Welfare, she said they’re full of great tips. I said, like what? She said, like the correct way to hose down your au pair when she comes back from the dole office after signing on for you. #Practical
Hi girl. I’m after starting a WhatsApp group called Women in Their 40s Who Have the Hots for Dr Tony Holohan. He’s the Chief Medical Officer guy from the Department of Health that seems to know everything.
Every time he comes on the news and to talk about coronavirus, I say ‘I wouldn’t mind him flattening my curves.’ My husband is demented over this and says he wants a divorce because I changed the name of my favourite vibrator to Hot Tony.
When I said no, he changed his Facebook profile photo to Sharon Ní Bheoláin. Do you think this is curtains for my marriage?
A sex addict in Kinsale who has a thing for doctors. What next? I told my friend Sue that I have a thing for Doctor Tony. She said, I’m not surprised, you were always mad for the baldy man. #SingleEntendre