I’d steer well clear if I was you - Posh Cork is on complete lock-down after an outbreak of the Norry Flu. Clodagh from Sunday’s Well tennis club caught it after brushing off her housekeeper, and ten minutes later she was found at a bus-stop saying “I do be dying to go to Lidl’s.”
I contacted the owner there and spent 30 seconds getting used to his accent. He said, oh ya the German fella, he couldn’t get it into his head that daaawg friendly just means very friendly in Cork, a bit like daaawg stupid, do you know that kind of way. I said, I’ll pass that on to him. He said, nice wan, tell him to pop in any time without the dog. I said, why? He said, I’ve a few more questions to ask him about Hitler.
I got on to my contact there, Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger. He said, not a good idea at the moment, we don’t want to upset Harry’s father. I said, Prince Charles? He said, we don’t to upset him either.
I phoned my nephew the estate agent and said I need a straight answer to a simple question. He said, why did you ring me so?
I said, hilaire, quick one first, what do you think Sinn Fein will do about the housing crisis. He said, hopefully nothing until I’ve made enough money to buy my own island in West Cork. #WhatCrisis
I know this guy in Fianna Fail, or is it Fine Gael, hard to tell these days. I said, is it still possible to get things done with a brown envelope? He said, absolutely. I said, but the people voted for change. He said, and they’ll get change, out of thirty grand, in used 50s please. #InflationReggie