Ask Audrey: Why aren't William and Kate coming to Cork?

Posh Cork's agony aunt: sorting out Cork people for ages.

Now listen up Paddy. My wife, Lady D’Servant-Shagger is under the impression that I will be busy pulling the levers of power here in Britain, when in fact I have plans to take Helen ‘Horsey’ Jodpur-Harrington for an absolutely filthy weekend in Turin. Or at least I had until the Eyeties went and got that bloody flu from China. So I’m thinking of spending the weekend in Cork instead. Do you think we’ll catch something? Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, The Huge House, Wiltshire.

I’d steer well clear if I was you - Posh Cork is on complete lock-down after an outbreak of the Norry Flu. Clodagh from Sunday’s Well tennis club caught it after brushing off her housekeeper, and ten minutes later she was found at a bus-stop saying “I do be dying to go to Lidl’s.”