Ask Audrey: Why aren't William and Kate coming to Cork?

Posh Cork's agony aunt: sorting out Cork people for ages.

Now listen up Paddy. My wife, Lady D’Servant-Shagger is under the impression that I will be busy pulling the levers of power here in Britain, when in fact I have plans to take Helen ‘Horsey’ Jodpur-Harrington for an absolutely filthy weekend in Turin. Or at least I had until the Eyeties went and got that bloody flu from China. So I’m thinking of spending the weekend in Cork instead. Do you think we’ll catch something? Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, The Huge House, Wiltshire.

I’d steer well clear if I was you - Posh Cork is on complete lock-down after an outbreak of the Norry Flu. Clodagh from Sunday’s Well tennis club caught it after brushing off her housekeeper, and ten minutes later she was found at a bus-stop saying “I do be dying to go to Lidl’s.”

Guten tag. I have been living in Cork for three months and I’m totally getting used to the local customs. For example, when older people learn that I am from Germany, their next sentence will include the word Hitler. Anyway, I got a labrador from the animal rescue place last week and was totally excited when I saw an Instagram ad for a pub here on the northside that said it is dog friendly. However, when I went over there the owner said you can’t bring him in here boy, unless you’re Roy Keane. I showed him the dog friendly ad and he said no boy, that doesn’t mean we actually like dogs. Vot is the story here? Jurgen, St Lukes and Berlin.

I contacted the owner there and spent 30 seconds getting used to his accent. He said, oh ya the German fella, he couldn’t get it into his head that daaawg friendly just means very friendly in Cork, a bit like daaawg stupid, do you know that kind of way. I said, I’ll pass that on to him. He said, nice wan, tell him to pop in any time without the dog. I said, why? He said, I’ve a few more questions to ask him about Hitler.

C’mere, do you have a number for Prince Harry? I seen William and your wan Kate are coming to Ireland, taking in Dublin, Meath, Kildare and Galway. That’s more of it now lah – why aren’t they coming to Cork? Galway is wall to wall poets pretending to be sensitive so they can score with your old doll, and Kildare is just people who sound like Ray D’Arcy. So, like, you know the way Harry is ballistic after getting the bullet out of the royal family from his Nan. Why don’t we invite him to come to Cork at the same time as William is stuck listening to bongos up in Galway, to mess with people’s heads like? Can you put the wheels in motion? Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

I got on to my contact there, Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger. He said, not a good idea at the moment, we don’t want to upset Harry’s father. I said, Prince Charles? He said, we don’t to upset him either.

We’re still buzzing on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who’d Vote for a United Ireland If We Thought It Would Give us a Chance with Donnchadh Ó Laoghaire (#Smoking). We went to see Mary Lou speak in the Rochestown Park Hotel during the week, Fiona_OohAahUpTheRCYC wore a beret and reflective sunglasses and ended up looking like a complete tool. Anyway, not everyone in Posh Cork is a Shinner (yet) and I heard on the qt that house prices on the Rochestown Road dropped 10% last week, just by association with the event. So, would now be a good time to buy? Steff, Douglas Road, I wouldn’t live there obvs, who wants to spend their days looking across at Mahon.

I phoned my nephew the estate agent and said I need a straight answer to a simple question. He said, why did you ring me so?

I said, hilaire, quick one first, what do you think Sinn Fein will do about the housing crisis. He said, hopefully nothing until I’ve made enough money to buy my own island in West Cork. #WhatCrisis

Hello old stock. I was sitting at home yesterday, updating my Tinder profile with a photo of my new yacht, when there as an angry, working class knock on the door. Turns out it was a guy called Terry who had the temerity to announce he was my new neighbour in a norry accent, without even sounding apologetic. I didn’t ask him where he got the money to buy on the Blackrock Road because I don’t want to end up as an accessory to a crime. Anyway, didn’t he announce he wants to build an extension on to his place and would I be OK with that? I said “absolutely old stock” just to get rid of him. I haven’t bribed an official in ages - how can I throw 10 grand at this to make sure Terry gets a thumbs down? Reggie, Blackrock Road.

I know this guy in Fianna Fail, or is it Fine Gael, hard to tell these days. I said, is it still possible to get things done with a brown envelope? He said, absolutely. I said, but the people voted for change. He said, and they’ll get change, out of thirty grand, in used 50s please. #InflationReggie