Ask Audrey: My old man is a millionaire but I formed a political party called Eat the Rich, Bitch

Sorting out Cork people for ages

C’mere, what’s the story with Gwyneth Paltrow selling a candle that smells like a vagina?

My birthday is next week and the old doll is having a banger because I told her I have enough tracksuits and tattoos.

She was browsing away on the phone last night, when she looked over and said Gwyneth Paltrow’s website is selling a candle called This Smells Like My Vagina, what do you think?

I said, I’ve nothing against scented candles as such but I draw the line at fanny.

She said, you used to be fun when you were younger, but now you’re a complete dry balls.

So, like, should I say yes?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, is it supposed to be Gwyneth’s ying-yang we’re smelling?

I could always ask Chris Martin. I’m sorry, I can’t really help here, I’m one of the few women in Ballinlough who doesn’t feel comfortable talking about her front bottom.

My neighbour Reena said I should see someone about it, I said I am already seeing someone, he’s not a psychologist or anything, but the sex is amazing. #ActionNotWords

Hey girl, my multi-millionaire old man paid €4 in income tax last year but that didn’t stop me from forming a political party called Eat the Rich, Bitch.

We’re based in Ballintemple, so everyone has cool beanies and amazing skin from our time as hyper-woke ski-instructors in the Italian Alps.

I’m running in Cork South Central, to ease the suffering of people who think it’s okay to buy last year’s ski-jacket in a sale, I todally cry for them at night.

I’m really looking forward to knocking on doors all over the southside, except for Mahon and the bit of Douglas down by Nemo.

So like, how can I get lower order types into my party to knock on semi-detached doors?

— Ed, Ballintemple

My cousin is a complete political anorak, he’s an expert in proportional representation and virginity.

I said, I have a question on behalf of this posh boy running for the Dáil who is totally out of touch with the general population.

He said, you never told me you knew Leo Varadkar.

How’re oo’ goin on? The niece is down from Dublin this weekend and we have nothing in common with her.

The last time she was down I said that people from Killarney are nothing but a pack of donkey shaggers, which is more of a social observation than a joke.

Well, Jesus didn’t she rear up at me, accusing me of ‘othering’ people from Kerry, which is a bad thing apparently.

So, anyway, we decided to start watching Love Island this year to give us something to talk about.

Well, the lads line up on one side, the girls on the other, and tisn’t long before they’re all having it off with each other.

You wouldn’t see it in the Gaeltacht.

Will myself and my wife be able to watch this with our niece without getting embarrassed, tell me?

— Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway, I have a thing for Siannise

I’ll warn her. I know your pain. I watched Love Island with my daughter last summer.

She said, why does Maura Higgins keep talking about her fanny flutters?

I said,because she’s from Longford.

The gloves are off on my WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Moms Who’d Elbow You in the Face to Get Their Sons into Pres.

Laura_246PairsOfShoes has decided to start ski-shaming people after reading Greta Thunberg’s book about the stupid environment. (As I always say, there is such a thing as too much information.)

Anyway, she is going to name and shame anyone on the group who heads for the slopes this year.

This is a nightmare because it allows people to say they are staying at home to help polar bears, when in fact they can’t afford it because their husband is only a teacher.

How can I forego skiingwithout people thinking that I’m a bit Turners Cross?

— Monica, Blackrock Road, the ferry isn’t an option, you don’t want to get stuck talking to a truck driver

My hippy cousin in St Lukes deals with this in her podcast 27 Ways to Devastate Friends With Your Wealth Without Flooding Greenland.

I said, what’s popular in St Lukes? She said on-trend lentils and smugness. #Misunderstanding #TrueThough

Hey, it’s Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors with American Accents.

I just bought two apartments for cash and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

This TV guy reached out to me yesterday and Dr Ken, we want you to appear in a new reality show called Professionals Dating Poor People and I said, this has my name all over it because my girlfriend is from Passage West.

I said one problem TV guy, her mother, The Mam, will hate the term ‘poor people’, that’s got to go.

He said no-can do Dr Ken, we’ve already toned it down from ‘hopeless scum.’

How can I sell this idea to my girlfriend and The Mam?

— Dr Ken, Douglas Road

I just rang the Posh Cousin there and filled her in on the details.

She said, what’s The Mam’s problem. I said, I suppose she’s afraid that by appearing on the show, she’ll give Passage West a bad reputation.

She said, excuse me while I actually pee myself laughing. (She’s too posh to piss.)