Ask Audrey: We’d rather watch Jacob Rees-Mogg’s colonoscopy on Facebook Live

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where we sat around in Rabbit Onesies and agreed there is a bit of a smell off the DUP. (I don’t expect you to understand the niceties of the way we run the birthplace of modern democracy, given your under-developed brains what with all the spud-munching.)

Anyway, we have decided to give you back the five or six counties in Ulster (who cares) and would be interested in hearing what you could offer us in return. Please don’t offer us land, we would appear to be quite shit at running bits of Ireland. Can you get back to me by Monday?

— Lord Edmund D’Servant-Shagger, London, I have been authorised to throw in Prince Andrew as a sweetener.

By the Queen? You’re grand on the Andrew front, we’d rather watch Jacob Rees-Mogg’s colonoscopy on Facebook Live. I don’t want to seem rude to the martyrs who died for old Ireland — but is there any chance you could offer the six counties to Iceland. #ThinkingOutsideTheBox

So like, I’m the top social media influencer in Cork based on the number of Instagram videos where I’m drinking prosecco in the back of a taxi, on my way to the opening of a new DIY store in Little Island, where instead of appearance money they’re giving me a lifetime supply of vacuum cleaner bags. #Glamorous.

Two things. One, does anyone need any vacuum cleaner bags? Two, I’ve been asked to appear at the Cork Podcast Festival with you at 12.30 pm in the Kino this Saturday, and your opening offer is a box of t-shirts from Cork Week 2017 saying “Fuck off, I own a yacht.” That’s not good enough, what else have ya got?

— @YouSoWishLike, Turners Cross and Monte Carlo, will there be alcohol?

Loads, most of it in me because I have an irrational fear of people who listen to podcasts. #NothingBetterToBeDoing? I ran this by my Posh Cousin. She said give her 20 quid. I said that’s an insultingly small sum of money. She said, not if you’re from Turners Cross.

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Hi, Harriet’s school (fee-paying) has a WhatsApp group for the Moms, Rochestown Road Babes Who Probably Went Out with Your Husband in College. We had a great night out in Cork last weekend, it really is possible to steer clear of Norries if you pick a place that doesn’t serve Carling or chicken wings.

The problem was trying to flag a taxi on the South Mall for the trip home. There was a couple in front of us from Ballyphehane (imagine), I won’t repeat what your one said when I offered them 50 quid to let us jump the queue. (Month’s wages — how bad?) Anyway, is it too much to ask that we have a taxi company dedicated to the officer class of Cork society?

— Bronagh, Rochestown Road, we could always come in by yacht.

I asked my Posh Cousin about this. She said, I’ve just launched a new hackney company called Cabs for Nobs. I said, how do you weed out the Norries? She said, when a customers rings in we ask ‘Who’s Your Best Friend?’ If they say, ‘my Mam’, we hang up. #MarkOfTheNorry

C’mere what the story with erectile dysfunction caused by Ole Gunnar Solksjaer?

I know it probably seemed like a good idea to appoint a former legend to manage Manchester United, but I haven’t had a decent erection since they beat Chelsea four nil on the opening day of the season. The Old Doll won’t stand for this much longer. She even suggested that I should follow Liverpool, which shows how little grasp she has on the situation.

Liverpool is for langers who live on Cathedral Road, whereas I myself am from Blackpool! So like, is there a specific Viagra you take after losing to Newcastle?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, did I mention I’m from Blackpool.

Yes, for some reason. My cousin, Risteard, had trouble with this kind of thing all his life. We were going to nickname him something to do with Dick, until my grandmother came up with Little Richard. I said to him, what can Dowcha Donie do to let go of the tension? He said, well I restored my pride by becoming a football hooligan. I said, that doesn’t make you hard. He said, nothing does really.

Hello old stock, awkward times in Chez Reggie. Let’s just say question marks have been raised about my relationship with an American businesswoman when I was Lord Mayor.

In fairness to Hoggy, he did say at the time it was a mistake trying to name a new bridge after her, just because she let me watch her doing a bit of pole dancing in her front room. Anyway, it was bad enough to be called a sleazy lowlife down through the years, but now people are comparing me to Boris Johnson. Should I come out all guns blaring?

— Reggie, Blackrock.

My friend is highly qualified in PR. (He has a Masters in Applied Bullshit, it’s an actual thing.) I said, I know someone who is starting to look very like Boris Johnson, what would you suggest to him? He said, tell him to stop cutting his own hair. #MopMan

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