Ask Audrey: We’d rather watch Jacob Rees-Mogg’s colonoscopy on Facebook Live

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

Now listen up Paddy. I’ve just come from a meeting of the British Establishment, where we sat around in Rabbit Onesies and agreed there is a bit of a smell off the DUP. (I don’t expect you to understand the niceties of the way we run the birthplace of modern democracy, given your under-developed brains what with all the spud-munching.)

Anyway, we have decided to give you back the five or six counties in Ulster (who cares) and would be interested in hearing what you could offer us in return. Please don’t offer us land, we would appear to be quite shit at running bits of Ireland. Can you get back to me by Monday?