My neighbour is a leading light in the insurance game, even though he never played for Cork Con

I’ve started seeing this delightful senior citizen like myself, I met her on a dating site called All My Own Teeth. We’ve been on three lovely dates together but haven’t tried anything sexual, even though she is from Kinsale.

If anything I’m the one holding things back — I’m afraid she’ll laugh at my right testicle, it’s the image of Johnny Sexton. Anyway, we’re going away to Killarney next weekend, sharing a bed and everything, and my new girlfriend tells me that you burn off extra calories if you have sex with someone from Kinsale. Could this possibly be true?

— Oliver, Model Farm Road

I put ‘calories sex Kinsale’ into Google there and ended up on a fetish site for people who like eating burritos at Orgy Friday in Charles Fort. (What did we do before the internet?) Anyway, it doesn’t matter where their partner comes from, a man burns 4.2 calories and a woman burns 3.1 calories a minute during sex. So that’s 1.55 calories gone every time I do the business with my Conor. (1.1 if he’s been watching Game of Thrones.)

C’mere, what’s the story with teaching a posh wan how to relax in the sack? I started doing yoga there in St Lukes, it’s only €15 an hour to perv at nobby old dolls sweating and stretching. (I do play up the gormless Norry act and they do find me exotic.) Anyway, I’ve started a bit of how’s your father with one of them, gorgeous now like, the lads do be livid, but she do be clueless when it comes to doing the business.

I have some videos of me in action with a previous old doll from Kerry Pike — do you think I should show them to the new one, for educational purposes like?

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, what’s GDPR?

A pain unless you like clicking on the word Accept. My niece has a PhD in Jealousy (she only went to St Angelas). I told her your idea and said what do you think? She said that’s a big risk. I said, showing the video? She said no, having sex with someone from Kerry Pike. #Crawling

So, I’m the leading social media influencer in Cork measured by the number of my followers who can’t believe I don’t have my own TV show. (#InstagramPoll.)

I’m driven mental like by people coming up to me in the street in Carrigaline saying how amazing they think I am, so I contacted my travel-agent friend at EscapeTheScum.com and he’s sorted me out for a week in a nine-star resort that can’t be reached from Cork airport. It has a no pet rule, so I need someone to mind my chihuahua for a week, he’s called Mahon Point Shopping Centre, #Sponsorship. Any takers, MoFos?

— @YouSoWishLike, Carrigaline, he has 15,472 local followers on Instagram

Finally an answer to ‘how many gullible gowls live in Greater Cork?’. My cousin can’t resist taking in stray pets, her house smells like 12 o’clock Mass in Kanturk. I told her your story and she said she’d be delighted to help. I said, is this the first famous dog you brought back to your house? She said, no, there was that married Kerry footballer I met in Rearden’s. #TotalDog

I’m starting a tour company here in Cork, called Look at That Now Lah. #Catchy. I was originally going to do it as a guide to the homes of the rich and famous around the city, but there aren’t any. (“This is where Ronan O’Gara used to live until he decided Cork wasn’t good enough for him” just won’t cut if for a couch load of Yanks.)

So, I’ve decided instead to bring them around famous Cork TV locations, AKA the The Young Offenders. The problem is that was shot in Norry Land, so the insurance will be outrageous. Do you know where I might get an armour-plated bus?

— Ultan, Well Road.

My neighbour is a leading light in the insurance game here, even though he never played for Cork Con. #GiveKenAJobThere. I said, what is the bump in an insurance premium if you bring tourists across the Lee? He said, 500%. I said, I can it cheaper with Liberty. He said, do you mind if I put you on hold and pretend to talk to my supervisor and then come back and say 200% and you say 50% and I say actually yes, we have a special offer today. #InsuranceQuotes

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself is after falling in with a pack of entrepreneurs inside in Dunmanway and didn’t she come yesterday and say we’re going to start a company selling, CBD oil. I’m junior vice president for sales, west Cork and south east Asia. Do you think it will sell?

— Dan Paddy Andy, the lads in the Credit Union have started calling me Stoner Dan

Isn’t that a nice change from Stinking Bogman? My niece makes a living selling alternative remedies because a lot of people are thick. I said, who is buying this cannabis derivative that doesn’t actually make you high. She said, people who don’t read the label.

#I’mNotGettingAnythingOffThis