My neighbour is a leading light in the insurance game, even though he never played for Cork Con

I’ve started seeing this delightful senior citizen like myself, I met her on a dating site called All My Own Teeth. We’ve been on three lovely dates together but haven’t tried anything sexual, even though she is from Kinsale.

If anything I’m the one holding things back — I’m afraid she’ll laugh at my right testicle, it’s the image of Johnny Sexton. Anyway, we’re going away to Killarney next weekend, sharing a bed and everything, and my new girlfriend tells me that you burn off extra calories if you have sex with someone from Kinsale. Could this possibly be true?