Ask Audrey: She gets a lot of business telling people from Wilton why their son didn’t get into Pres. (As if it wasn’t obvious.)

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

We’ve just lost our legend of an au pair to my bitch of a best friend, who lured her away with six flights home a year and a new Nissan Juke. It’s such a shame, the kids adored her and she was a lesbian to boot, which helped my Colin to keep it in his pants. (Almost.) Anyway, we are doing Skype interviews for a replacement over a few days next week, and didn’t Colin just arrive home with his hair and eyebrows dyed black. Is there any legal way to advertise for an unattractive au pair?

– Noelle, Sunday’s Well, why he can’t he just use Plenty of Fish for his affairs, like everyone else in on our road.

I thought that was just Ballinlough. The Posh Cousin works in recruitment. She said you can’t just specify that in an ad. I said, is there anywhere she could place the ad to guarantee she gets a minger? She said maybe try the Limerick Leader. #LettersToTheEditor

I’m in a running group here, you’ll find us on WhatsApp under Toned Douglas Road Women Who Wouldn’t Look Twice At You. We’re hard it this week because expensive ski-wear can be unforgiving if you’re not a size zero and I can almost hear the slopes calling through my new ears. (All the rage on the Douglas Road this Christmas.) Unfortunately, one of the three Tamsins in our group didn’t get the memo and turned up this morning in a pair of last year’s Asics she got cheap on Sports Direct. What’s the best way to tell her she should try and find a running group in Turners Cross?

– Monica, Douglas Road.

My niece is a Conflict Resolution Guru specialising in breaking bad news. (She didn’t get the points for Science.) I hear she gets a lot of business telling people from Wilton why their son didn’t get into Pres. (As if it wasn’t obvious.) I said, I need your professional advice, what’s the best way to get away from someone in cheap runners? She said “leg it” and handed me an invoice for €400 . I’m in the wrong job.

Hello old stock. Hoggy bet me a 191 C Jaguar I couldn’t do dry January so I’m booking into a rehab clinic for the month. That will show him. It’s not so bad here really, the food is outstanding and with all the people around sharing stories about sex and drugs, it’s like being at a cocktail party in Innishannon. (They’re calling it New Kinsale.) The only problem is I completely forgot it’s the wife Marjorie’s birthday next week, she’s 47 and it’s beginning to show. Is there any chance you could give her a a shout there and tell her soz from Reggie, I’m coping with my demons for a month and I’m planning to buy her a new chin when I get out?

– Reggie, Blackrock, tell her I’m after losing 17 pounds.

Good to hear you’re back below the 20 stone. I rang you’re house there and passed on your message. Marjorie said that’s the best birthday present ever. I said, a chin? She said no, leaving me alone for a month and arriving home in a new Jag. I’d say ye’re well matched.

C’mere, what’s the story with telling Google you done the dirt? The old doll was out for Women’s Little Christmas so I got stuck into a few cans and started messing with the new Google Home Hub thing we got for Christmas. Confession time, I scored with this Spanish one at the office party and the guilt do be brutal, so I decided to tell the Google and get me it off me chest like. I’m having a Nervy B now, do you think Mark Zuckerberg and his friends know my dirty secret? 

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

My Conor is a genius at tech, so file that under Good For Something. I said, My Conor is it safe to pass on your secrets to these new voice activated yokes in your house. Before he could answer our new Alexa said, feel free to tell us anything. Then it played the movie I Know What You Did Last Summer on our TV. Me nerves.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? There’s hardly anyone dying in West Cork and haven’t the local undertakers started a price-war trying to drum up a bit of business. The local operator has 30% off all coffins for the month of January, and long story short, herself has always had an eye for a bargain and didn’t I wake up yesterday morning to find her over me with a tape measure, no less. When I tried to brush it off with a joke about the state of my manhood, she asked if my good suit was clean. Would I be right in thinking she wants to see the back of me?

– Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Schull until you see a man saying, “But I’m younger than Larry Gogan.”

My niece is a Marriage Relationship Counsellor. I said, is there any way of telling if your wife of 30 years is making plans for your funeral? The niece said, check if she’s awake. #Bleak.