Ask Audrey: A good cleaning lady is as rare as tasteful Christmas decorations on the Pouladuff Road

Audrey's been sorting out Cork people for ages.

C’mere, what’s the story with the old doll wanting to have sex during Strictly Come Dancing? She do get fierce frisky from the dirty dancing and insists we do the business there and then, even if we’re having a pizza. To be honest, I do find it hard to sustain a stiffy while looking at Claudia Winkelman’s fringe, she should get that cut off and stop making a fool out of herself.

And like, when the judges do be giving their scores, I do keep thinking they are judging my performance, do you know that kind of a way? Am I within my rights to say no? 

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I leaves on me socks.

White? It turns out this perversion isn’t confined to Norries. (No offence.)

The last time I went to couples counselling with My Conor (infidelity, mine), he revealed that he fantasises about having sex with me for the duration of a whole TV show. I said grand, as long as it’s the Angelus. The counsellor asked him if he’d last that long. (She’s more hilaire than professional to be honest.)

Hello old stock. I was in the middle of saying “you’re the spitting image of Cate Blanchett” to a gullible American one in the Metropole on Saturday, when I spotted the votes Peter Casey was getting on the telly. I turned to Hoggy and said “get four more scoops in there before they close”, followed by “you people have held me back long enough, I’m going into politics”. Casey showed us there is no point in going out canvassing and pretending to be interested in people on the average industrial wage. All you have to do is find a minority and start calling them a pack of langers. So, I’m going to form the Anti-Norry Alliance and run for the Dail. What do you think? 

– Reggie, Blackrock.

I think you’d be guaranteed a Dail seat. If there is one thing that unites every southsider, it’s the idea that we’d be better off if you moved to Dublin. (No offence.)

I pride myself on being polite to my extremely thorough cleaning lady, who is from either Ukraine or Estonia. Just to give you an example, I always ask about her two sons, even though they aren’t in Pres.

But you can imagine my surprise when I opened the door on Wednesday evening to find her and her two boys standing there, saying trick or treat. That’s just taking liberties now, because we don’t allow lower order types on the Blackrock Road after 7pm, unless they are delivering food. Do you think I should fire her?

– Monica, Blackrock Road, if anything I’m too fair.

I absolutely think you should fire her, and give her my number while you are at it. As we say in Ballinlough, a good cleaning lady is as rare as tasteful Christmas decorations on the Pouladuff Road.

Now listen up, Paddy. I moved from London to the family castle in north Cork recently, because Britain has become over-run with foreigners who think they own the place. (I fail to see the irony.)

Anyway, one of my staff came up yesterday and presented me with correspondence which says I must pay something called the TV license, to some local concern called RTE. I turned on this channel and they would appear to have chaps reporting from all over the world. Sorry now, but why would I need to check RTE for something that happened in the Philippines, when to be honest with you, I don’t care?

So, do you think I might get an exemption? 

– Lord Hilary von ServantShagger, A Big House, north Cork.

You think you have it bad. RTE makes a mint from license fees on Leeside and then sends Paschal Sheehy over to report on Cork. Sorry now, but it’s not fair to expect poor Paschal to understand the rhythms of life in a cosmopolitan cultural hotspot, given that he’s only from Tralee. (It’s like Killarney with a few extra tatoos.)

There’s fierce fighting in our family over who should have my mother over for Christmas dinner. None of us want her, ever since it emerged that she changed the will and plans to leave all her money to the Simon community. As if that isn’t bad enough, her dentures are loose again and it’s like sitting next to a horse the way she chews her turkey for four hours. Do you think I should break off all contact? 

– Paul, Turners Cross.

I was going to say you should be grateful she reared ye, but it doesn’t look like she made much of a job of it. And it’s no consolation that her money is going to people less well off than yourselves.

Let’s face it - you live in Turners Cross, there’s no one less well off than yourselves.