Ask Audrey: Would my insurance cover a cougar scratching my 182c E-class Mercedes?

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages...

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy have taken up yoga because it’s an outstanding way to ogle blonde Douglas stunners without getting arrested. I was driving down there the other morning, when I turned on Neil Prendeville’s show by mistake, and instead of some northsider saying “Neil boy, I do be having a terrible life”, he had a very interesting piece about a wild cat on the loose down around Crosshaven. Do you think I should steer clear of the RCYC for a while?

– Reggie, Blackrock, would my insurance cover it if he scratched my 182 C E-class Mercedes?

Who, Prendeville? Don’t worry, there’s probably a ‘claws’ in your insurance policy. (I’m on fire!) I genuinely can’t understand why it’s news that that there is a wild cat on the loose in Crosshaven. I was down there at closing time on Saturday night and counted at least 27 cougars on the prowl. #LockUpYourSons

C’mere, what do be the story with deleting stuff off WhatsApp. I bought 12 cans of beer on special offer during the week and while I drank them responsibly like it said on the can, I also drank them all in a row, do you know that kind of a way? Baloobas, I was. So I decided to leave a filthy voice message on the old dolls WhatsApp, about how she was a very naughty girl and I was a doctor with handcuffs and a bag of whips. Which was grand, except I sent it to her Mam by mistake. She hasn’t listened to it yet, any advice?

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, I’m dreading what she might say.

Particularly if it’s “I’m free at three Doctor Donie, call over with your bag of tricks.” Imagine. WhatsApp is lethal alright. I feel sorry for poor Stephen Ward, and not just because he’s from Dublin.

It’s no joke being in Roy Keane’s bad books, but then Roy has so many bad books at this stage he could probably open a library.

Is there any chance you could have a word with RTE and ask them to stop showing ladies’ GAA? We didn’t give up our second skiing holiday to pay for our daughter’s fees in Scoil Mhuire, only for her to watch the All-Ireland last Sunday and inform us that she wants to take up camogie. I started crying and told her that camogie was only for northsiders and people who work with silage, but she was having none of it. This can’t go on – Christians is a laughing stock out here in Douglas ever since they started playing hurling. Can anything be done to stop the spread of these common sports?

– Monica, Douglas, we might as well have sent her to Christ the King.

Thinks aren’t that bad yet. I asked my Posh Cousin what’s the cure around Blackrock for a child that wants to play camogie. She said drive them over to Turners Cross and say, is there where you want to end up living, is it? #Harsh.

I’m on a WhatsApp for Douglas women, it’s called Blonde Stunners in Leisure Gear Driving 182 C BMWs To The Gym. We’re mad for truth or dare, and I ended up with dare this week, because there is no way I was going to tell them about my weekend in Kinsale. (We call it Vegas.) The dare is a month getting the 207 bus from Douglas up to the northside (!!!) . This got me thinking – we should reserve an area just for southsiders on buses in Cork. Say, the front three rows for southsiders and the other seats for people who buy their gym gear in Sports Direct. What do you reckon?

– Anna, Douglas, I’m always looking for ways to improve things.

Let me know when you find one. In terms of weirdly bad ideas, bus apartheid is up there with getting a full-body massage from Jacob Rees-Mogg. I asked my Posh Cousin if there is anything in Cork that’s guaranteed to keep the Norries segregated from nice middle class people like yourself. She said the cost of tennis lessons. #Genius

Like totally, hi. Myself and my sister really love animals, so we decided to pick up a rescue pup on Tuesday and bring it home to Blackrock as a surprise for our parents. Mom loved him from the minute he arrived in and even stopped sharing photos of her 45 grand Italian kitchen on Instagram, so she could give the little guy a rub. Then he gave a bark and Mom shrieked “Oh Jesus he’s got a Ballyphehane bark, get him back to the shelter before my bitch of a neighbour gets wind of it.” Like, can dogs have accents and can we train him to sound like us?

– Rachel, Blackrock Road.

I asked my friend the vet if dogs can have accents. She said absolutely, did you ever listen to Ryan Giggs. (Hilaire.) Now that I think about it, our labrador came from Kerry – I had to kick him off the bed at night because it was like sleeping with a Kerry politician. (Don’t imagine.)