Ask Audrey: We went to bed, 20 seconds later wasn’t herself complaining about my ability to stay the course.

Audrey has been sorting out Cork people for ages

We’re flying Cork to Barcelona next week with the kids for a holiday that’s going to cost us somewhere north of 6 grand (drop in the ocean, we’re both doctors.) Is there anyway to guarantee we get seats that are at least two rows from northsiders?

– Monica, Blackrock, the norry behind us last year talked about his greyhound all the way from Malaga

That must have been ruff. I think your best bet is to book the front row, and then pay for a family of southsiders to fly in the row behind you. I looked up the details there on NorryBuffers.ie. You can hire a family from Turner’s Cross for only 50 quid, and that comes with a guarantee they won’t try and talk to you (imagine).

Yerra, we were having a chat here below in Dingle to see if we could come up a new scam to get tourists to pay us an old visit. Fungie contacted one of the lads on WhatsApp and said he wants 10% of the takings. Did you ever hear the like of it? Anyway, didn’t Mick Mike Mickey Mike hit the nail on head by suggesting we turn one of the Blaskets into Love Island. We’ll put handsome guys and hot young ones out there and charge people to go out there by boat and shout abuse at them. What do you reckon? 

– Dan Johnny Danny John Danny John Bridget, Dingle.

Sorry, but Cork beat you to it. We already have a small island where young people go every summer to cop a feel with a stranger. It’s called Cape Clear. The only downside is they have to pretend to speak Irish to each other when outsiders are watching. But then you’d be well used to that below in Dingle. #CuplaFocal.

C’mere, what’s the story with picturing Taylor Swift when I’m doing the business with the old doll? I’d lost interest in the auld bangy with her, but my friend Lofty do be an expert in sexy stuff in your mind, he said close your eyes and pretend she’s someone else. It worked a treat, but now my old doll do be saying “look at me lovingly when we do be doing the business, Dowcha Donie.” I do be afraid to open my eyes in case I lose all me inclinations. What are my options? 

– Dowcha Donie, Blackpool, how can I stop thinking about Taylor?

Shake it Off? My Conor once said, would it be ok if I pretended you were someone else during sex? I said, go for it. He said, you can do the same. I said, don’t worry, I always imagine I’m someone else when we’re doing it. He said I think our relationship is in crisis and we should see some one. I said, I’m already seeing three different guys, so time-tabling would be a nightmare. We had a good old laugh about it.

Hello old stock. Myself and Hoggy tied on one last weekend and ended up going to a Cork hurling match by mistake. We had a right good time of it from start to finish, which was 20 minutes after we arrived, because we were escorted from the premises after Hoggy shouted, “have you ever been on a yacht?” at a nervous looking couple from Newtownshandrum (it’s a place, by all accounts). Anyway, we are now barred from Páirc Uí Chaoimh, which is a shame, because it’s clear that some fine looking fillies follow the GAA. Could you have a word for us, given that we’re incredibly well off? 

– Reggie, Blackrock, who were all the mad looking people in green?

I’d love to answer, but my solicitors told me to lay off Limerick. I had a word with my GAA friend, No Fault Froggy Boy!! (he insists on the exclamation marks). I said, is there any way to use loads of money to roll over your opposition in the GAA? He said, not really, unless you’re the Dublin footballers. #VeryBitter

How’re oo’ goin’ on. Herself was messing with the laptop last night, and didn’t she end up on a porn site by mistake. It was a terrible trauma for country people like ourselves, and didn’t it take the two of us over an hour to get the bloody video to stop. (I’d say the woman in said video regretted ever being naughty, given the spanking she got from himself.) Anyway, off to bed we went. One thing led to another and, 20 seconds later, wasn’t herself complaining about my ability to stay the course. I’m worried now she has unrealistic expectations after watching the old porn. How should I proceed? 

– Dan Paddy Andy, keep going out beyond Schull until it seems like everyone is driving a Vauxhall Viva.

My friend Pervy Peadar is an expert in pornography. (He’s on his third and final fair-usage warning from the broadband provider). I said, does porn give you unrealistic expectations when you go out and meet women? He said no. I said how come? He said because I never go out and meet women. #TheHonestPerv